BigTone Posted September 27, 2012 Report Share Posted September 27, 2012 I have a few issues with this Tone. How do you succesfully keep a mouse as a pet? In a cage I presume, with your guinea pigs. Which makes me wonder why, in the house that you've left your cherished little mouse to live, are you leaving a contraption specifically used to exterminate rodents? Barry Old Sock, best to take 2 of the little red tablets 3 times per day Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted September 27, 2012 Report Share Posted September 27, 2012 Barry Old Sock, best to take 2 of the little red tablets 3 times per day There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted September 27, 2012 Report Share Posted September 27, 2012 An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barry_mack Posted September 27, 2012 Report Share Posted September 27, 2012 If Jeremy Forrest is hiding out in Portugal, he'd be well advised not to pop out for half hour to grab a bite to eat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 Just bought some anti gloating cream ..................... I cant wait to rub it in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 A man is up in court for murder. The Judge reads out the charges, "You are accused of beating your wife to death with a hammer'. A voice pipes up from the back, 'What a ****'. The Judge continues, 'You are also accused of beating your daughter to death with a hammer'. The same voice cries from the back, 'You Effing B*stard'. The judge, who is not very happy with this beckons the man to the front of court, 'Now I know that this case may be distressing but with outbursts like that I could do you with contempt of court, now explain yourself immediately'. The man at the back steps up, 'Well your honour, I've lived next door to the accused for the past 20 years and every time I've asked to borrow a hammer, he says he hasn't got one'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted September 29, 2012 Report Share Posted September 29, 2012 If a maths teacher leaves Sussex on a Friday and travels south for 6 days at 60mph, where will he have reached by the Thursday? Prison. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 5, 2012 Report Share Posted October 5, 2012 (edited) I tripped over my girlfriend's breast pump earlier. I call it a breast pump, but it blows up the rest of her too. Edited October 5, 2012 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted October 7, 2012 Report Share Posted October 7, 2012 You know who really give kids a bad name ? Posh and Becks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 9, 2012 Report Share Posted October 9, 2012 Went to a Yorkshire goldsmiths to ask for a life size statue of my dog. "Do you want it 18 carat?" I said "no, just eating a bone". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 12, 2012 Report Share Posted October 12, 2012 I've just got back from parents evening and I have to say I'm totally shocked about what I was told. Hitting others, swearing, stripping off, playing with genitals, playing with others' genitals, starting fires, spitting at others, breaking windows; the list just goes on. I think I'm going to have to move my mum and dad into a new home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 14, 2012 Report Share Posted October 14, 2012 I have often heard that women tend to like the "strong silent types" but not when it comes to flatulence, apparently... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red 'un' Posted October 16, 2012 Report Share Posted October 16, 2012 Grandma says to her young grandson "be a love and help me put this suppository in" "of course i will Gran!" says the lad. She bends over,pulls her drawers down and spreads her buttocks, The lad says "Do i put it in the brown hole or feed it to the turkey?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 17, 2012 Report Share Posted October 17, 2012 I bought my girlfriend a pair of crotchless panties for Halloween. Not for sexual purposes though. Just to give her a better grip on her broomstick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 17, 2012 Report Share Posted October 17, 2012 The first rule of philosopher's fight club is that we on earth exist as both the fight and the club, therefore there is no separate entity to discuss as we are all one being in thought and emotion so in effect the discussion would coincidentally be a discussion of everything. The second rule is no punching in the boll@cks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antman Posted October 18, 2012 Report Share Posted October 18, 2012 Jimmy Savile's family have had his gravestone and the flowers around it removed as a mark of respect. That just leaves a small hole and no bush. It's what he would have wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to **** the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a s**t on the floor and p**s everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock. Let's see Crimewatch ******g stage a reconstruction of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 My friend Gav died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets. Can't believe Gavisgon.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 19, 2012 Report Share Posted October 19, 2012 It can only be a matter of time before Boris Johnson's mum comes forward and tells us that she was raped by Jimmy Savile in 1963. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 21, 2012 Report Share Posted October 21, 2012 3 blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing about what kind of tracks they were. The first blonde said, "I think they're deer tracks". The second blonde said, "I think they're dog tracks". The third blonde said, "Well, I think they're cow tracks". They were still arguing when the train hit them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 I have just been told the clocks go back on Sunday which is really worrying as I cant remember where I bought them from . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 "Halloween costume sorted: Blonde wig, track suit and cigar. THAT should keep the kids away from my door." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 I went to the local curry house last night. I said to the waiter I'll have a Chicken Tarka. The bemused waiter said "what's that sir I've never heard of it". I said well its like a Chicken Tikka only otter . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 A man with a Rubik's Cube for a head walks into a bar and starts throwing tables around. The bar man says, "You'd better stop that mate or I'm going to rearrange your face". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 27, 2012 Report Share Posted October 27, 2012 Tony Blackburn was invited to a pool party. When he turned up he had Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter with him. The party thrower said, "You deaf sod, I said bring a pair of Speedos". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 3, 2012 Report Share Posted November 3, 2012 The Police were called to a burglary in Glasgow. They asked the old Fella that owned the property if they had taken much. "I didn't have anything to take" he replied. "The worst thing is that I had a pot of stew on the stove for tonights dinner and one of them took a s**t in it" "Dirty bastards" the Copper replies. "I know" says the old Fella, " I had to throw half of it away" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 Old wifey asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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