BigTone Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Another Rowing Gold,this time for the mens coxless fours, that must have taken some balls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 A tramp goes up to a menopausal woman and says, "Any change, madam?" "Yes, lots of hot flushes and some vaginal dryness," replies the woman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 I'm hosting a charity disco & raffle on Saturday 11th August to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm ! If you can't come let me know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Believe it or not but my penis was once in the book of guiness world records, although the librarian was furious and threw me out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 My mate has just set up a new haulage company in exporting snails Les Cargo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted August 8, 2012 Report Share Posted August 8, 2012 You forgot to say what your mate is called. If he is called Les, then this is 'very funny'. If your mate is called Caroline, it doesn't work. DON'T be disheartened, BigTone, keep trying. TFR xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calculus Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 You forgot to say what your mate is called. If he is called Les, then this is 'very funny'. If your mate is called Caroline, it doesn't work. DON'T be disheartened, BigTone, keep trying. TFR xxx Unless Caroline is a 'les'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 You forgot to say what your mate is called. If he is called Les, then this is 'very funny'. If your mate is called Caroline, it doesn't work. DON'T be disheartened, BigTone, keep trying. TFR xxx Oh dear, you haven't been taking your medication you naughty boy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my breakfast?' he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my breakfast ?!?' he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. 'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING BREAKFAST YET Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Jesus-h-christ, this man is on form. "Bravo, bravo, BRAVO!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks. "I'm warming up your dinner!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Jeffrey Dahmer had his mother over for dinner and his mother said to him: “Jeffrey… I really don’t like your neighbors” Jeffrey replied: “That’s ok Mom… at least try your vegetables!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.” “My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.” “The problem,” she complained, “is that it wakes me up.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Me and old wifey have been having some relationship problems recently. To that end we've bought a water bed but i still feel we're drifting apart Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 (edited) One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well. 16 years later 16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?" "What?" I pissed out a bullet. So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago. Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet." So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago. Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?" The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet." "No i was having a w**k and i shot the dog!" Edited August 11, 2012 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 12, 2012 Report Share Posted August 12, 2012 Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 12, 2012 Report Share Posted August 12, 2012 A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever." A smart ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 (edited) Sorry to invade your joke pages but I heard this one recently - Its a hot hot day in metropolis and super hero's Batman and Superman are perched on the top of the tallest building looking out for criminals but its soooo hot that not even the bad guys are active. Bored, Superman uses his super vision to scan the roofs below and he spots Catwoman laying legs astride a sun bed soaking up the rays. 'Wow!' he says to Batman 'look at her' Batman says 'Why don't you dive down and give her one? I'll watch the City whilst your gone' 'Cheers Batman' says Superman as he zooms down at full speed with the sun behind him. A few minuets later he returns and Batman grins and says '' I'll bet she was surprised'' ''Yeah!'' says Superman, ''but not so surprised as the invisible man'' Edited August 16, 2012 by Robbored Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 Sorry to invade your joke pages but I heard this one recently - You are very welcome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 16, 2012 Report Share Posted August 16, 2012 The French would'nt let it lie & Bradly Wiggins has been stripped of his Tour De France yellow jersey after testing positive for four substances banned in France :- Soap, toothpaste, mouthwash & deodorant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 18, 2012 Report Share Posted August 18, 2012 After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots." The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 18, 2012 Report Share Posted August 18, 2012 One day Murphy was outside and was mowing his grass when a big moving truck pulled in the driveway next to his. Knowing that no one lives there he figures that he is getting new nieghbor's. He finishes up his grass and the neighbor's are unloading the truck he walks up to the fence and says hello, I'm Murphy and I live next door. Well the guy sets down the box that he is carrying and says "good to meet you Murphy I, am Tim". Well the two of them got to talking and Murphy asked Tim what he did for a living. Tim thought for a moment and proclaimed proudly that "I deal with logic." Murphy, looking dumbfounded, said "what?" Tim offered Murphy an example. Murphy said "allright." Tim said, "Do you have a dog? Murphy replied "yea, I have a dog". Tim then stated "Well then it is logical to assume that you have children." Murphy said that is right, I have 2. Tim then stated "if you have 2 kids then it is logical to assume that you have a wife." Murphy said "Yea, 10 years now!" Tim said "well then its logical to assume that you are a "heterosexual." Tim, astonished, said "Wow, that's right!" Well later that day Murphy came across his other neighbor Jim and Jim said "Hey, I see you have a new neighbor." Murphy stated "Yea, he's very interesting too." Jim says "what do you mean?" "Well, Murphy stated he has the most interesting job." Jim said "What is it?" "Murphy says he deals with logic." Jim said "Logic.. what?" "That's what I said" stated Murphy. "Well let me give you an example." Murphy said "Jim, do you have a dog?" Jim said "Now you know I dont have no dog." So Murphy pondered this for a minute and said "You're gay!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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