Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

[BigTone]

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."

The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

[BigTone]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[China]

Apologies in advance to Tone, just wanted to post my fave joke and hadn't seen it done

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Scotch.

The barman is concerned and asks whats up.

The man replies "I got home early and found my wife shagging my best friend"

"Bloody hell, what did you say to him?" says the barman.

"Well, all I could think of was 'Down Boy! BAD DOG!'"

Edited August 25, 2012 by China

[BigTone]

Welcome aboard China you can post anytime you like.

In the meantime:

old pervert goes in to a Lift/Elevator where there is a young girl standing .

He says, can I smell your private parts?

She says, indeed you can not!

He says, well it must be your feet!

[BigTone]

A pretty young girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing. I said yes, but asked what I would get in return. She said I could play with her breasts. I thought, that’s fair, tit for tat.

[BigTone]

Big guy gets onto the London underground and ends up pressed up against a gorgeous blond. After about 3 minutes she looks at him and says "something in your pockets is sticking into me"

He replies "it must be my wage packet",

She retorts "if it is you've had a rise since Charing Cross mate".

[BigTone]

Old wifey gets cross when I put one chocolate bar in the wrapper of another.

Tonight she's really got her snickers in a twix

[BigTone]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving. '

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, 'says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

My god, what happened to you? 'asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say? 'asks Cherie.

I knocked on the door, and when it was answered,

I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[Antman]

i've just been to my dentist, i sat down in the chair and he said 'say aaah' I said 'why?' he replied 'because my dog's died'

[Antman]

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

(possible Tim Vine alert)

[BigTone]

The day before our wedding I took my Essex fiancée aside:

"Look," I said. "I have to tell you, before we met, I was ... well ... promiscuous."

"Oh cool!" she exclaimed. "I love Greek mythology!"

[BigTone]

"Shall we go back to my place, then?" I asked the girl in the bar.

"But I hardly know you!" she protested.

I stared at her. "You've not been a prostitute for long have you?"

[BigTone]

And a special because of todays game:

A bloke from Barnsley is suffering from piles..........

He asks his local chemist: "Eh oop, Nah then lad, does tha sell ar*e cream?"

Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[BigTone]

I've just seen a dyslexic mate from Yorkshire wearing a cat flap

[BigTone]

Two dylexics on a train, one´s doing a crossword.

""Two across, old Macdonald had one"

"Easy..........Farm."

"How do you spell it ?"

"E I E I O"

[BigTone]

Oscar the "blade runner" is complaining because he said the bloke who beat him had an unfair advantage, I don't think he's got a leg to stand on.

[BigTone]

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault, that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing:-

"We missed the R!; We missed the R!;

We missed the bloody R ... AND we got one letter wrong!

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ...

. . .. CELEBRATE!"

[BigTone]

I've booked myself in to a Swiss suicide clinic and today is the big day

I couldn't believe what they gave me for breakfast this morning, ******g cheerios.

[BigTone]

A man bumps into a woman in the lobby of a hotel

and as he does his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says Ma'am 'if your heart is

as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me'.

She replies, 'if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221'.

[BigTone]

I was cut up driving to work this morning by a car with a bumper sticker on it saying ' Vets Drive Like Animals ' .

Funny that , I would have put money on him being a gynaecologist...

[BigTone]

I surprised old wifey with a poem today.

"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day?" I began.

"Awww. Go on then!" she winked.

"OK" I replied. "You're dull and miserable."

[BigTone]

I saw a busker with no arms today singing so badly I offered him a fiver to stop.

But that was just another note he couldn't hold

[Calculus]

I surprised old wifey with a poem today.

"Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day?" I began.

"Awww. Go on then!" she winked.

"OK" I replied. "You're dull and miserable."

or alternatively, for those of an even more romantic disposition:

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Day

or whack it up there straight away?

[BigTone]

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.

After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.'

Edited September 14, 2012 by BigTone

[BigTone]

I went to see a psychiatrist about my obsession with sex.

He said, "Tony, I'm going to show you a picture. Tell me the first words that come into your head."

I said, "Tits, pussy and arse."

He said, "Let me get the picture out first"

Edited September 17, 2012 by BigTone

[BigTone]

My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday.

He was caught in a trap.

[barry_mack]

My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday.

He was caught in a trap.

I have a few issues with this Tone. How do you succesfully keep a mouse as a pet? In a cage I presume, with your guinea pigs. Which makes me wonder why, in the house that you've left your cherished little mouse to live, are you leaving a contraption specifically used to exterminate rodents?

[BigTone]

After being married for 24 years I have finally found the wife's G-Spot - who would have thought her sister had it the whole time ?

[BigTone]

A small church had an attractive organist whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done or they would fire this one and get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.

She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said...

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."