Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

[BigTone]

Moderators?

Can we PLEASE get a 'tumble-weed' smiley?

I thank you.

Or can we please stick your head up a dead bears arse

[BigTone]

The new girlfriend popped her head out of the door and said "Bloody hell love, it's warmer out there than it is in here."

"You're not wrong, sweetheart." I replied.

"Now back in the fridge."

[BigTone]

The new girlfriend popped her head out of the door and said "Bloody hell love, it's warmer out there than it is in here."

"You're not wrong, sweetheart." I replied.

"Now back in the fridge."

[...]

TUMBLE-WEED ICON: NOW!

[...]

Bigtone? I owe you an apology - it was there all the time.

[BigTone]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I couldn’t have any worries about being eaten…”

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does…) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can’t believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends, looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. Christian replied “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re a shark, the enemy and I’ll not be tricked. ” Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed”

“I’ve found Cod, I’m a prawn again Christian"

[BigTone]

My local fish 'n' chip shop has starting using magazines instead of newspaper.

I'm currently eating them out of house and home.

[BigTone]

I have just finished reading a book about a well-loved but very ill dog.

It was really hard to put it down.

[MariaLBroad]

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here". The string, without saying a word, walks outside where he proceeds to tie himself into knots and mess up his "hair". When he walks back in and asks for a beer the bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here." "No, he answered, "I'm afraid not".

A frayed knot

[BigTone]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he shagged her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the shagging resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping, turns his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond, whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".

[eastonboy]

There once was a vampire named Mabel

Whose periods ran quite stable;

every full moon

She'd pull out a spoon

And drink herself under the table.

[BigTone]

They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction.

My money's on Dave.

[BigTone]

Two parrots sitting on a perch... one says to the other "can you smell fish..?"

[BigTone]

My poor wife has had quite a bad accident and is in casualty.

The consultant has just said to me "Tone,I don't like the look of your wife at all"

I was a bit taken aback but told him she's a good cook and nice to the kids

[BigTone]

BigTone is back from his holidays

[BigTone]

I was watching the telly the other night when I flicked over and caught the end of a Japanese football match, all the subs and squad members were on the side lines throwing punches and kicks into the air, and doing strange moves, I couldn't work out what was going on until I realised that the match had gone into ninjary time!

[BigTone]

Someone stole my two, very rare and valuable, invisible dogs and when I called the police to check on how their inquiries were coming along, they said that they had no new information, but they were following a couple of leads.

[BigTone]

I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"

"Sticks?" I replied.

[BigTone]

Girl walks into the pub and orders two tequilas, downs one and chucks the other into the front of her panties!

Barman says "What the hell are you doing?!"

She replies: "I just won the lotto and that's the only ****t I'm sharing it with!"

[BigTone]

Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Two giants were striding across Europe on their way to Iceland for the November Troll festival. Everything is covered in fog and as they look down from above all they see is a blanket of fog.

"Where do you think we are?" asks one.

The other reaches down into the fog moves his wrist around for a few seconds and declares, "Rome".

"How did you do that?"

"I could feel the colusseum"

So they stride on a bit further

"Where do you think we are now?"

The other reaches down into the fog moves his wrist around for a few seconds and declares, "Paris".

"How did you do that?"

"I could feel the Eifel Tower"

So they stride on a bit further

"Where do you think we are now?"

The other reaches down into the fog moves his wrist around for a few seconds and declares, "London".

"How did you do that?"

"I could feel the Tower Bridge"

So they stride on once again a bit further

"Where do you think we are now?"

The other reaches down into the fog moves his wrist around for a few seconds and declares, "Liverpool".

"How did you do that? Did you feel the Liver Birds on the Liver Building?"

"No, some B@st@rd has nicked my watch"

[BigTone]

Took a bird home last night with Eczema, she had a cracking pair of t!ts.

[BigTone]

I was walking throught Hong Kongs red light district when a very young girl approached me 'you want sucky f+cky ten dorras?'

I said "you are way too young"

she said " how you know my name?'

[BigTone]

Went out last night and got really wasted. i woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting. At least i got home OK!!

[BigTone]

Follow this recipe to make a cheap, but surprisingly tender, pigeon pie.

First, get some breadcrumbs and a rolling pin.

Then, take the breadcrumbs and rolling pin to the park...

[BigTone]

I was watching a film last night with creepy organ music on the tv and suddenly yelled out "Dont enter that church, you daft b*****d, its a trap"

The wife walked in and asked "what are you watching ?"

I replied "our *****n wedding video"

[BigTone]

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen

table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying

for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change."

[BigTone]

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea

break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The

bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins

at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the

teddy bears have their pick nicked."