Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

I phoned the Police the other day, the operator asked ' Whats your emergency?'

I said ' There's 2 girls fighting over me'

' Ok ' she said ' Well whats the problem with that?'

I said ' The ugly one is winning '

[BigTone]

I asked the woman in behind the post office counter ' Do you keep stationary?'

She replied 'Only to begin with, and then I go like a f'<king rabbit '

Edited January 4, 2012 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

[Fodbarmyarmy]

[Esmond Million's Bung]

Anthony Worrall Thompson was caught shoplifting cheese and wine..........................That was for starters.

[BigTone]

I went into the Newsagents for a w**k the other day.

Next thing I knew it was all over the papers.

Edited January 12, 2012 by bigtone59

[...]

I went into the Newsagents for a w**k the other day.

Next thing I knew it was all over the papers.

Where are the entries for 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st January 2012?

Is everyone still laughing from the one above??

[BigTone]

Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land

in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.

Having a bit of a party Friday night.

Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business,

I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..

I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild se x, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.

'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there..

By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

[BigTone]

At a farmer’s bar in Ireland Paddy and Mick were having a beer when in walks “a suit” who looked entirely out of place in these surroundings.

Paddy says to Mick “I wonder what he does?” and Mick says “I don’t know. Could he be a brain surgeon”

Mick goes to the toilet and who should be standing there beside him at the urinal but the “suit”

Mick says “excuse me sir, I hope you don’t mind me asking but me and Paddy was wondering what your job is” and the “suit” says, “no I don’t mind you asking. I am a statistical scientist”. Mick says “what the **** is a statistical scientist”. The suit says “well I’ll give you an example. Have you got a goldfish?”

Mick says “yes I’ve got a goldfish, one of twelve that I keep in my pond”. So the “suit” says “if you’ve got a goldfish and a pond, you must have a garden.”

Mick says “course I’ve got a garden.” And the suit says “well if you’ve got a garden you must have a house.”

Mick says “I’ve got a four bedroom house.” Suit says “if you’ve got a goldfish and a pond and a garden and a four bedroom house you must have a wife.” Mick says “of course I’ve got a wife and four daughters.” So the suit says “so you must have a good sex life.” And Mick says “oh yes I have a very good sex life.” So the suit says “you don’t masturbate then?” Mick says “certainly not.” Suit says “well there you go. From finding out that you’ve got a goldfish I now know all about you. That’s statistical science.”

So Mick says “thank you very much” and goes back to the bar. Paddy says “did you find out what the suit did Mick?” Mick said “yes he’s a statistical scientist.” Paddy says “what the ****s a statistical scientist?” Mick says “I’ll give you an example. Have you got a goldfish?” Paddy says “No, I haven’t got a goldfish.” Paddy says “well there you are. You’re a w****r!”

[BigTone]

My Girlfriend was devastated when her PIP breast implant ruptured, leaking industrial grade silicone.....

However, now she's had her nipple pierced, we've been able to seal around the bath, kitchen sink and toilet cistern...!!

[BigTone]

Where are the entries for 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st January 2012?

Is everyone still laughing from the one above??

Where are the entries for 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st January 2012?

Is everyone still laughing from the one above??

Apologies but life threatening illness has prevented me

[BigTone]

Paddy has just got his 2nd question right on who wants to b a millionaire & is now on £200. Here's the 3rd question: Who was the great train robber? Was

it:

a) RONNIE Biggs?

b) RONNIE Barker?

c) RONNIE Parker?

d) RONNIE Wood

Paddy says "Well Chris, I've had a lovely time & I'm going to

take the £200."

Chris says "Are you ******g stupid? you have all your life lines left."

Paddy says "I might be stupid but I'm not a ******* grass"

[BigTone]

I've just started to date a Muslim girlfriend, she gave me a w**k last night and it was bloody rough !!! I have nicknamed her "The Terror Wrist".

[BigTone]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.

[BigTone]

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, b****r me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

[RedWitch]

Bloke went to the doctor because he had apple pie stuck to his bum. Doctor gave him some cream for it.

[BigTone]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon

and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.

"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

[BigTone]

I got pulled up by the police last night and ordered to get out of my car.

"You're staggering." Said the officer.

"You're not bad looking yourself." I replied.

[BigTone]

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"

The son says "At school dad." The robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend's house!

"What dvd?"

"Toy story." The robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.

The robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs "Ha Ha! He's certainly your son." The robot slaps the Mum

[BigTone]

A man walks into a pub, wearing an enormous grin on his face. The barman says "You look happy mate!" and the man replies "Yep..... I'm celebrating the fact that I had my first ever blow job today". The barman offers him a drink on the house to celebrate and asks what he's having. The man replies " I'll have a quadruple Crème de Menthe please". The barman asks, "What the hell do you want to drink that stuff for?", and the man replies," To get the ******g awful taste out of my mouth"

[BigTone]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[BigTone]

An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.

No more mist & ice guy.

[BigTone]

Q: What's the difference between a German female soprano opera singer and an English Bulldog?

A: Lipstick

[BigTone]

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to

reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door,

shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and

addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

[BigTone]

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."

"Awww dad, what makes you say that?"

"She smells of elephant s**t."

[BigTone]

My poor wife has been found dead with sperm in her ear.

I don't think she heard me coming

[RedWitch]

I went to the memorial stadium yesterday. I noticed how green and beautiful their ground was and asked the groundsman how he achieved it. He said

"I don't need to do anything mate, I just put a few quit of shit on it every saturday and it works wonders"

[BigTone]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all

perish.

They are in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, “Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”

She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one

with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and

pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question; “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?”

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and

stroked one.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.. One

girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, “Margaret, what seems to be the rush?”

The girl replies, “If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I

want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it..!”

[alexrusselsboot]

Have you given anything up for Lent, Tone?

I have given up making sexual innuendos - but I'm finding it hard.

[BigTone]

Apologies to all but finishing a big project and don't seem to have much time

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Weymouth beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to Paddy and he said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!".