BigTone Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" Paddy - "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 24, 2012 Report Share Posted May 24, 2012 An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted May 28, 2012 Report Share Posted May 28, 2012 A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognise you.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. After discussing all the details of the ceremony, the Mullah asks if they have any final questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and for women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam.." "Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!" "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the Mullah.. "Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says The Mullah. "Go for it!" "Doggy style?" "Sure! " "On the kitchen Table?" "Yes, yes!" "Can we do it with all my four wives together with a bottle of hot oil and a bucket of honey with a porno video" "You may indeed!" "Can we do it standing up" "No!" says the Mullah. "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 A man is rushed to hospital after a sex game goes horribly wrong. Doctors found 6 toy horses in his backside. They described his condition as stable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures today, and was really pleased with the result. I have to say, those pirhanas don't mess about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other.. "Does this taste funny to you?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 Kate Middleton was asking the Queen how she could become a sucessfull member of the Royal family, Her Majesty said " Always wear a seatbelt and never p**s me off " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 I took my wife to the doctor to have treatment for Tourettes. It turns out she doesn't have it. Apparently I am a pr*ck and she does want me to **** off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 Old wifey said she was leaving me because of my plant obsession.. I said "For ****s sake petal, where did all this stem from?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 old wifey's back on the warpath again She was up for making a home movie last night and all i did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 8, 2012 Report Share Posted June 8, 2012 Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs; and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters, sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to **** ya both." "**** off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of f**kin' one?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 9, 2012 Report Share Posted June 9, 2012 A selection just in case I get interested in the Euro Championships: Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!" A coach load of Paddy's on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52! Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish. Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef" Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday." Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor." Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?." Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!" Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th." Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 11, 2012 Report Share Posted June 11, 2012 Phone rings - woman answers. A pervert, breathing heavily, says "I bet you have a right tight c*** without any hair?" Woman replies, " Yes, he's watching telly. Who shall I say is calling?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2012 Report Share Posted June 14, 2012 Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!' 'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. 'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2012 Report Share Posted June 14, 2012 I just read that Falklanders will finally get a say on their sovereignty when they hold a referendum to decide which country is in charge of them. A decrepit, bankrupt, sleaze-ridden minority government with no real track record of anything except upsetting the majority of the population and lying through their teeth come election time. Or Argentina. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2012 Report Share Posted June 14, 2012 I was having sex with a prostitute in the back of my car the other day when a policeman walked over and knocked on the window. He said "I should really arrest you both however I'm willing to turn a blind eye if I can go next". "I'm not sure about that officer" I replied "Why is that? Surely you don't want me to arrest you" He said. "No, definitely not" I insisted "its just that I have never shagged a copper before" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 A little kid said to me ''what's your favourite Telly Tubby'' I said ''Probably the Samsung 42 inch flat screen you cheeky little b*****d. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) Because of the severe weather conditions in the UK at the moment the Government has issued this warning. Anyone travelling in snow or icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf, hat, and gloves, 24 hour food supply 3 litres drinking water, de-icer rock salt, flash light, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can and a set of jumper cables. I looked a right t*@t on the bus this morning!!! Edited June 18, 2012 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 (edited) A man goes into confession after a 20 year absence. As he sits in the booth he looks around and says to the Priest ''The old confessional has really changed father, I dont remember a leather chair, Guiness on tap and Gay porn mags being in the booths 20 years ago'' The Priest said '' That’s because you’re in my f*@%'n seat'' Edited June 18, 2012 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Paedophiles you can f*@k off down to Hell' ' 9 of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf b*****d with you'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsagent's to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, I hope you dont mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? About 32, is the reply. Nope! I'm exactly 50, the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, I'd guess about 29. The woman replies with a big smile, Nope, Im 50. Now shes feeling really good about herself. She stops at a shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, Oh, I'd say 30. Again she proudly responds,I'm 50, but thank you! While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are. They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, What the hell, go ahead. He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, Okay, okay.How old am I? He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, Madam, you are 50. Stunned and amazed, the woman says, That was incredible, how could you tell? The old man says, Promise you won't get mad?I promise I won't she says. I was behind you at McDonalds! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 18, 2012 Report Share Posted June 18, 2012 A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last week. After sharing it between members of his family they each walked away with £4.50. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 23, 2012 Report Share Posted June 23, 2012 I'm seriously thinking about donating at a sperm bank. Are you paid in advance or do you have to work a week in hand? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 23, 2012 Report Share Posted June 23, 2012 On a trip to Tibet I was sat with a Monk and I asked for some words of wisdom. He said, " The challenges of life are like a mountain. One moment the mountain is there, the next the mountain has gone, but then it will return." I said, " Mate, that's called blinking." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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