BigTone Posted July 12, 2012 Report Share Posted July 12, 2012 My dad worked on the roads for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 A Jewish bloke in a bar spots a gorgeous girl across the room, leans over to his mate and says 'Cor look at her, I'd lend her one!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider giving me a blow job. I told her I fully understood and respected her decision. I said I'd give her a call nearer the time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed. She was known as oral high Jean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antman Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I had a team of racing snails, they weren't doing too well, going really slow and losing races, so I took their shells off, but it only made them more sluggish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I rang babestation the other night: a woman answers and says "hi sexy what can I do for you?" I said "******g hide, my wifes coming and I've lost the remote!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!" "A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 Old wifey looked at me in bed last night and I said "Darling, when i gaze at you, I think of the lottery" "Do you think I am worth millions? "she asked. "No, I wish you would ******g roll over" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 Bob and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches,he asked Paddy for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob,taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where'd you get that monster?' 'Well,' replied Paddy , 'I got it from me Genie.' 'You have a Genie?' Bob asked. 'Ya, shure. It's roight here in me tackle Box,' says Paddy . 'Could I see him?' Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Bob says, 'Hey there! I'm a good pal of Your master. will you grant me one wish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks. The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks..... Flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Paddy , 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. D' yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW. Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a w ank later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "a meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I gave my girlfriend an orgasm but she spat it back in my face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I just saw a poster on a tree saying: 'This is a photograph of our dog which is missing. If found please call us' I phoned them up and said, "I've just found the photograph of your dog." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 14, 2012 Report Share Posted July 14, 2012 I've just had a sage and onion enema. It's knocked the stuffing out of me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 14, 2012 Report Share Posted July 14, 2012 My boss pulled up in his brand new Jaguar today and I couldn't help but admire it. "Nice car," I said as he got out. He said;- "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 14, 2012 Report Share Posted July 14, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 14, 2012 Report Share Posted July 14, 2012 Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational....the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank. And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody w*****s 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 This afternoon a very good looking young girl asked me if I prefered legs or breasts . I told her that what I really liked was a shaved snatch. I have now been banned from KFC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 22, 2012 Report Share Posted July 22, 2012 It's been hard to get over my addiction to the hokey cokey, but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 24, 2012 Report Share Posted July 24, 2012 I signed up for a very mysterious 'Reverse Origami' Class. Can't wait to see how that unfolds... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 26, 2012 Report Share Posted July 26, 2012 Swedish albinos. You can't say fairer than that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 28, 2012 Report Share Posted July 28, 2012 The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, “So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger”… “In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days.” “Before we kill you, I grant you three requests” “What is your FIRST request?’ The Lone Ranger said, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nodded and Silver was brought Before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver’s ear, and the horse galloped away. Later that evening, Silver returned with A beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger’s tent And spent the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admitted That he was impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse,” But we will still kill you in two days.” What is your SECOND request?” The Lone Ranger again asked to speak To his horse. Silver came to him, And he again whispered in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared Over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returned, This time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger’s tent And spent the night. The following morning the Indian Chief Said: “You are indeed a man of many talents,” “But we will still kill you tomorrow.” “What is your LAST request?” The Lone Ranger responded, “I’d like to speak to my horse – alone.” The Chief was curious, but he agreed, And Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they were alone, the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said, Listen Very Carefully! FOR…THE…LAST…TIME…. “BRING POSSE!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 28, 2012 Report Share Posted July 28, 2012 I made an Olympic themed dinner last night, and everything went as planned. It was extremely disappointing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 31, 2012 Report Share Posted July 31, 2012 The wife left a note on the fridge......... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!" I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold......... Don't know what she was on about!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 3, 2012 Report Share Posted August 3, 2012 A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic synchronized diving team after paddy accused mick of copying him ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 3, 2012 Report Share Posted August 3, 2012 The head of the Somali Olympic squad has apologised to officials on behalf of their team after realising that shooting and sailing were two separate events. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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