Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A little known fact about England footballer Danny Welbeck:

His father Stan is a bomb disposal expert.

[BigTone]

I was in Australia with the wife recently when she was stung on the minge by a hornet.

I phoned a local doctor, who was a bit of a laid back, surfer type.

'Doc, please help me'

'Hey, what's up man?'

'My wife has been stung on her vagina and its completely closed up'

'Bummer dude'

'Thanks doc, bye'

[BigTone]

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

[BigTone]

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

[BigTone]

Beyonce has just found out that Roy Castle was her real father however she wont be using his surname.

[BigTone]

I asked my wife to pass the newspaper.

She replied "here, use my iPad".

That was one very dead bluebottle.

[BigTone]

A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie

bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the

spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,

he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's

no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much

harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate!

Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles

and tries again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still

perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I

mean, where's your wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and

whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having a w**k!

[BigTone]

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone

to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found

four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four

in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of

them would get the job.*

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,

Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's

no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the

second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it

ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular

cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall

there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the

pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,

TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had

found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same

question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious

to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,

and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE

LIGHT, I had already s**t myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!

[BigTone]

A Priest and a Hindu making toast, the Priest says "I can see an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

The Hindu replies "I can't believe it's not Buddha."

[BigTone]

A small zoo in Newcastle acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to

handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male

Gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Wally

Pennick a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal

cages.

Wally as a Geordie and like many Newcastle men, felt he had ample ability to satisfy

any female.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution..

Wally was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?

Wally showed some interest, but said he would have to think the

matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but

only under four conditions:

1. "First", Wlally the Geordie said, "Nee kissin’ on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "Ye cannit nivva tell neebody aboot this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Wally said, "Ah want all the bairns raised as Newcastle fans."

Once again it was agreed.

4. "And last of all", Wally stated, "You Gotta givvus another

week to come up with the £500 quid

[BigTone]

Bill Kenwright has announced that due to the coin throwing incident in last seasons Liverpool vs Everton derby, David Moyes now has £3.76 to spend in the January transfer window....

[BigTone]

The Mrs and I decided to go out for a night on the tiles last night, We walked past a swanky new restaurant in the Centre of Bristol. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible ?"she commented I agreed, the smells were delicious. Being the nice guy I am I thought "Sod it I'll treat her" So we walked past it again.

[BigTone]

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an

awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the

auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That

Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence....

"I no rike Jews" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic" says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no mattah... all same."

[BigTone]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[Superjack]

I slapped the Mrs last night because my dinner was cold...

...although in retrospect, it may have been the restaurants fault.

[BigTone]

Hedgehogs. Why can't they just agree to share the hedge?

[BigTone]

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally

cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,

'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,

' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Edited July 1, 2012 by BigTone

[BigTone]

A Muslim dies,, and by some error in his handling,, ends up in heaven.

He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says:

"Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven".

"What?,,,, replies the Muslim, and why not"?

"Well, we just don’t!!,,,, and thats it,,, we're short on Virgins".

The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.

"Well,,,, says St Peter, have you ever done anything good in your life"?

Ummm--the Muslim replies.

"Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting

for a children’s charity so I gave her ten pounds.

Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society,

and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money,,,

so I gave him ten pounds too"!

"Alrighty then, says St Peter,,, wait here and I'll have a quick word with God".

Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.

Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me . . .

Here’s your 30 quid back,,,,,,,,,, now **** off!!!

Edited July 1, 2012 by BigTone

[glynriley]

Before his tragic death , the co-founder of Apple Inc. spent the last months of his life in England shop lifting Mr Sheen.

Typical Jobs , coming over here and stealing our Polish.

[ciderincornwall]

I was chatting to a girl in the pub last night and she told me she liked Sex and The City.

I said to her, "What a coincidence, so do I. Who would you say is your favourite City player?"

[BigTone]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Roasted Tourist: £5.00

Broiled Missionary: £7.00

Fried Explorer: £9.00

Freshly Baked

Labour party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens : £150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

[BigTone]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing

about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker

claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck..

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a

hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck

a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently

used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that

he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker

successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without

breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the

Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican

woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to

peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same

conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said,

your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[BigTone]

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[BigTone]

I'm a cheating lying b@stard with the morals of a heroine addicted whore. I would sell my own mother for slavery.

I steal at every opportunity and evade every tax going.

I don't give a flying f#@k about society; they're all there to feed my insatiable appetite for money and my aim is to get a knighthood and sh@g female newsreaders.

Right. Question 2.

"Do any of your family already work at Barclays Bank?"

[BigTone]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home ...to see a tidy house and dishes washed and put away.

... The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Lancashire . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

[BigTone]

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Medulla in a nursing home.

All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.

‘‘It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.

''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.

''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!

There's a dentist here -- 90 years old…He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The ****ing Arab'

[BigTone]

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my breakfast?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my breakfast ?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING BREAKFAST YET

[BigTone]

A selection for you:

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door..

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *****

[BigTone]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the

boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know..

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubble Gum...'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:

'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[BigTone]

They say a dog is a man's best friend,

but I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a cr@p on my carpet.