BigTone Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 6, 2012 Report Share Posted March 6, 2012 A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please." The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you." "Why not?" askes the brain. "You're already out of your head." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Tesco has announced 20,000 new jobs are to be created in the UK. Poland's Prime Minister has welcomed the news. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 police cordened off liverpool city center this morning when a suspicious object was found in a car, it later turned out to be a tax disc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 I pick up a real looker at the pub the last night. 5’2″, blonde, a great body and a personality to match. After a couple of hours dialogue, I’ve said to her, “From now on, I’m going to call you ‘My Little Toe’”, to which she responded “Oh, that’s lovely. Is that because I’m petite, pink and cute?!”. I said, “No, it’s because I’m going to bang you on my coffee table when I get home!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’ As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’ She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’ The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastonboy Posted March 14, 2012 Report Share Posted March 14, 2012 I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today. Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastonboy Posted March 19, 2012 Report Share Posted March 19, 2012 We're so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas. If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NifflerNomad Posted March 21, 2012 Report Share Posted March 21, 2012 Got my water bill the other day... £165 Then I saw an advert on the telly, apparently wateraid can supply water to a whole village for just £2 a month think its about time I changed my supplier! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Sorry again for going awol but recovering from 3rd degree burns in an accident: A pirate is starting his first day aboard his new ship and the captain is giving him the tour. ''There's the plank for trouble makers, there's the deck that needs swabbing everyday and there's the barrel for all you sexual needs.'' ''Whatcha mean? my sexual needs?'' ''Well, you stick your willy in the hole and you'll be serviced, anytime you want, except for Wednesdays.'' ''What happens on Wednesdays?'' ''It's your turn in the barrel...'' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 31, 2012 Report Share Posted March 31, 2012 A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Cypress Hills, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you! St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eastonboy Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears."You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you just **** off." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 3 men, captured by a rare tribe of female savages, are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs. 1st was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off. The 2nd was a butcher, so his would be sliced off. The 3rd man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny. He replied "I work for Dyson." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 1, 2012 Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 I turned to my wife last night and said, "I'm into anal". She gave me a look of despair and glared at me as she said, "Animal". I love it when we do the cryptic crossword together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 2, 2012 Report Share Posted April 2, 2012 Man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog? No i'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search' The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passenger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & sh1ts all over the seat. What does that mean? The man asks. "He's found a bomb" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that shriveled, used condom falling from your member... Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant. I told her to close the door on her way back in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Wayne Rooney has visited Fabrice Muamba in hospital. "It's great, he can almost string a sentence together," said Fabrice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states yet again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 4, 2012 Report Share Posted April 4, 2012 Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and see a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next s**t could spell disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 At the gym this morning I found a hole in my trainer that I could get my finger into. Unfortunately she made a formal complaint and I'm now barred for life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 I was at working in my restaurant one day when this Chinese customer told me "Your fries aren´t done". I told him, "If you think you can cook the chips any better, you´re welcome to try you cheeky ****." Then I burnt my knob on the stove. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 I'm really worried about my Parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He just sits there crying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some knobhead wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Essex?" the manager asked. The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex." "No sh!t!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 6, 2012 Report Share Posted April 6, 2012 My wife is so frigid, when she opens her legs a light comes on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 11, 2012 Report Share Posted April 11, 2012 Teacher: So Johnny, where is your RE homework on the life of jesus? Little Johnny: Well you see sir, i had done it, and it was absolutely amazing, but then it died over the weekend, it had come back to life on sunday but now it's gone and ascended up to heaven Teacher: You surely don't expect me to believe a ridiculous fantasy like that do you boy? Little Johnny: Exactly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted April 11, 2012 Report Share Posted April 11, 2012 My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted April 17, 2012 Report Share Posted April 17, 2012 Moderators? Can we PLEASE get a 'tumble-weed' smiley? I thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.