Written jokes thread

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Ahem.

Moving right along with some jokes:-

"I don't know why everyone is up in arms about Tesco's 'horse'-burgers?

You should try their meat balls: they are the dogs bollocks".

Edited January 24, 2013 by Taxi for Rennie

[BigTone]

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

[BigTone]

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself - because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South African bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to the other lions and says 'What's the food like here?'
The lions say: 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees’.

[BigTone]

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.

[BigTone]

Went to a fancy dress party dressed as a loaf of bread last night.

The birds were all over me.

[BigTone]

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

[BigTone]

Paddy walks past a pub.

Outside the pub is a sign that says, 'Wanks £10.00', Pies '£5.00'.

Paddy walks into the pub and asks the attractive young barmaid, 'Are you the 1 who does the wanks?'

'Yes I am', she replys seductively.

'Well in that case' says Paddy, 'wash your hands then please, because I want a pie'.

[glynriley]

Manchester United fans love Robin Van Persie.

Liverpool fans love Robin Van Radios.

[You Do The Dziekanowski]

I went to see Les Miserables

I disappointed I came out feeling More Miserables

[BigTone]

My Mother called me a lazy b*****d when she came to my house today. On the plus side though she took down the Christmas tree.

[BigTone]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said Neil, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment'
I replied, You've got perfect eyesite.

[Drew Peacock]

I had a hunch it would be Richard the thirds's skeleton

[BigTone]

My doctor said he'd made an appointment for me with a eurologist.
I told him I didn't think a lesson in geography would help me much.

[BigTone]

I changed my iPod name to Titanic.

It's syncing now.

[BigTone]

The wife has just announced that "we need to start watching what we eat"
So I've booked two tickets for the Grand National.

[BigTone]

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.


Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

[BigTone]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

[cider hoss rules]

What's the difference between a lazy wife and the G*s?

Nothing, they both deserve to get beaten and they're lucky if they don't.

[BigTone]

I met my old boss at my golf club today.
I said "What are you doing here?"
He replied "Oh I'm a country member."
I said " Oh aye! I remember."

[BigTone]

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I just can't believe they ******d my wife after only five beers".

[BigTone]

My Wife hinted she wanted Chanel No. 5 for Valentine's day.

She's going to be thrilled, all I had to do was re-tune the freeview box.

[Red]

FOR SALE

Mechanics tools and overalls.

£500 ono,

Contact Sally Webster, No 4 Coronation St.

[cider hoss rules]

A bloke knocked on my door earlier and said 'I have a parcel for your next door neighbour'

I said, 'You've got the wrong house then mate'

[BigTone]

I've written a book called, "101 Ways To Revive The High Street".

It's available on Kindle from Monday.

[cider hoss rules]

I went up to my boss earlier and said 'where do you want me to put this huge roll of bubble wrap?'

'Just pop it in the corner' he said

I was there for four hours and still never finished it

[cider hoss rules]

for dads there is fathers day

for mums there is mothers day

for lovers there is valentines day

and for w***ers there is palm sunday

[BigTone]

The body of a murdered woman has been found by police with semen in her eyes. Detectives believed she must have seen her killer coming

[cider hoss rules]

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?"

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

"What happened then?" they ask.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

Edited February 25, 2013 by cider hoss rules

[cider hoss rules]

My kleptomania was getting out of control, but I'm taking something for it now