Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. Mrs BT was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said "Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right ....... here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you."

[BigTone]

Walking thro' the middle of a maize field today, suddenly there was a lot of squealing and 'crashing about'. The wife screamed 'Wild boars , Wild boars '. She ran , the dog ran
and I stood there thinking of Duran Duran.

[BigTone]

I've been blessed with a nine inch penis.
Unfortunately it was my parish priest's.

[BigTone]

Drinking with a speech impediment?

It's whisky business.

[BigTone]

My wife told me we've been invited to a fancy dress party.

"That's nice" I said, "what shall we go as"?

"Why don't we dress up as pheasants" she replied.

"OK I'm game if you are" .........

[Red-Robbo]

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[Gazinpeace]

I was in the supermarket earlier and they had started selling Halloween costumes already. Mrs BT was taking ages picking anything so I turned to her and said "Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right ....... here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you."

Showing your age mate - and mine!

[BigTone]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[BigTone]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up

her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[BigTone]

Phil Collins has come out and admitted he's gay.

Rumour has it he's been having a secret affair with Prince Harry.

He'll be coming in the heir tonight.

[BigTone]

My uncle who worked as a storeman in a local brewery was tragically killed yesterday when a pallet-load of beer toppled over on him. He tried to summon assistance, but everytime he called out "The drinks are on me!" his workmates, oblivious to his predicament, just cheered.

[BigTone]

My friend has been found guilty of overusing commas.

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

[Gazinpeace]

According to the BBC, burial space could run out in 20 years. Hope this doesn't lead to panic dying.

[BigTone]

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

[BigTone]

I was working in Tesco last night when I bumped into a lady I just started dating. I was re-arranging the washing powder in aisle 7 when she said " you told me you was a stunt pilot you lying bar-stool"
To which I replied "No....I told you I was part of the Ariel display team"

[BigTone]

No matter what Isaac the husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:- 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has a room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles triumphantly, looks down at the young man and says to him,

'See that, you schmuck? That's how you wave a towel!'

[cheese]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner

of the next race?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."



Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and

decided to take them to the police station.

Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy, “We'll lie and say we only found two.”



A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided

to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52.



Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore,

so he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more
aerodynamic.

It didn’t work; if anything it made him more sluggish.



Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 wires sticking out of it. He phones the
police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?" Paddy says, "No, I tink it's turkey."



Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to
your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you.”
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, because I wasn't even at home
yesterday."



Mick walks into Paddy ' s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a
tractor. Mick says, "Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary
haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended
I do something sexy to a tractor."



Paddy says to Mick, “I'm ready for a holiday, only this year, I'm going to
do it a bit different. 3 years ago, I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago, I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to
Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this
year?” Paddy replies, “I tink I'll take her with me.”



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Mick says, "Let's
hope it's not the 13th."



Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?"

Paddy says, "I did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[BigTone]

As my wife approached orgasm, I said:

"I can't hold it much longer."

"That's ok love, just do it" she whispered, "it'll turn me on even more."

It didn't though,

I'd had sprouts for dinner and it really stunk.

[BigTone]

I was in the supermarket when I overhead a woman saying her baby daughter was seven pounds.

I said, "I've seen better looking babies, I'll give you six."

[BigTone]

The 99p shop have revealed they have to put their prices up by 1p because of increased energy bills.

No change there then..

[BigTone]

I have spotted a pattern to when England win the World Cup.

It is every 900 years after the Battle of Hastings.

[Aizoon]

I have spotted a pattern to when England win the World Cup.

It is every 900 years after the Battle of Hastings.

 

And every 600 years after Stella Artois is founded.

[BigTone]

My mate's wife Jenny called him and asked him to pick up a light bulb on the way home.
"Halogen?" he asked.
"Yes I'm still here" she replied

[BigTone]

I have just been to a Paranoids Anonymous meeting

No-one said much but they I am sure they were all listening.

[BigTone]

Just found out that 'Aaarrrrggghhh' is not a real word.

I can't even tell you how angry I am!

[BigTone]

My wife answered the phone earlier tonight

The panting voice said "I bet you have a tight c*** with no hair"

"Yes ,Tony's watching the football" she replied "who shall I say is calling"

[BigTone]

I've just made a life size jelly of Robert Mugabe.

I fear I may have set a dangerous president.

[BigTone]

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect penis and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I said ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ...

[BigTone]

My doctor told me that I was morbidly obese...

as if I don't have enough on my plate!!

[BigTone]

A father buys a lie detector robot; it slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

robot slaps son

"OK, OK," the boy says, rubbing his arm. "I was at Jerry's house."

"Doing what?" asks the mother.

"Watching a movie. Toy Story."

robot slaps son

"OK, it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells: "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn

was!"

robot slaps the father

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

robot slaps the mother