Written jokes thread

[phantom]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a "Harmony for Couples" weekend, Dave and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride,isn't it?"

Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.

[Lanterne Rouge]

Started a new job this week as an abseiler`s assistant.

Up to now he`s mainly just been showing me the ropes.

[phantom]

One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," Shane commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock

Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

Shane thought for a moment and said, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet, with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded, "Your name came up 7 times."

[BigTone]

It was the second leg of the annual joiners versus the concrete layers football match today. I’m happy to tell you the concrete layers won 4 – 3 on aggregate.

[BigTone]

My dancing lessons are not going well at all. Honestly, it’s one step forward and two steps back.

[Lanterne Rouge]

I don`t think humans are capable of coping now without the technology we`ve all become used to. I mean, where would we be without sat navs?

[northsomersetred]

BREAKING NEWS : Suspect in Paris almost got away with stealing hundreds of high profile paintings from the Louvre. After planning the crime and getting past security, he was finally captured just 2 streets away ... his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he mastermind such a daring crime and make such an obvious error, he replied ...

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!!!"

[BigTone]

I counted 68 cows in the adjacent field this morning but it was 70 when I rounded them up.

[BigTone]

If I was asked to describe myself in three word I’d probably say “Not the best at counting.”

[northsomersetred]

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.

Paddy says, 'It's awfully quiet on deck tonight'

Murphy says ' Everyone will be watching the band'

Paddy says 'There is't a band playing tonight'

So Murphy say 'I definately heard someone say 'A band on ship''

 

[northsomersetred]

Dear Technical Support, 

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, >which 
I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently 
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and 
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. 

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other 
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. 

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware 
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and 
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several 
weeks. 

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same 
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they 
caused severe damage to my hardware. 

I eventually upgraded to Fianc?e 1.0, only to discover that this product 
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use 
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeRumpyPlus and 
Cleanhouse2005. 

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very 
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored 
in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. 

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. 

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, 
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products 
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. 

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring 
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be 
reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 
93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. 

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which 
can't be turned off. 

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be 
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 
detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before 
uninstalling itself. 

Help requested please

[northsomersetred]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. 
They walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' 

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. 

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. 

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. 

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dislooks like a grand place.' 

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. 

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. 

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says; 'Bugga dat. Dis budgie jumping is too bloody dangerous for me!' 

WAIT, THERE'S MORE... 



Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. 

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. 
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. 

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. 

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. 

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' 


WAIT, IT IS NOT OVER YET... 


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. 

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. 

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. 

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 

'Bugga dat, lads. 
First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping. 
den Seamus parrotshooting..... 
and now Sean and his bloody hengliding.'

[BigTone]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over 
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[Superjack]

I said to my doctor, "I get a violent twitch in my leg whenever I hear a diagnosis".

He said, "I know what that is".

I said, "What?".

He said, "You'll kick yourself when I tell you".

[BigTone]

I nipped into the boulangerie today for 2 minutes. When I came out I saw a gendarme writing a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said “Come on man, give a guy a break.”

He ignored me and kept writing the ticket so I called him an arrogant jumped up frog. He glared at me and started to write a second ticket for worn tyres!

I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down because he’s so ugly. He finished with the second ticket and started writing a third!

This went on until there were five tickets on the windscreen. The more I insulted him, the more tickets.

I didn’t care, my car was parked round the corner in the car park.

[northsomersetred]

Dai is at the car boot sale when an American tourist comes by. Pointing to a skull on display in Dai's car, he says: “Whose skull is that?”

“That,” says Dai profoundly, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr. It's yours for £10.”

“Incredible,” says the American. “I'll take it.”

Some weeks later, Dai is at the car boot sale when the same American walks past and notices a much smaller skull for sale.

“Whose skull it that?” asks the American.

“That,” says Dai in a practised voice, “is the skull of Owain Glyndwr.”

“Hang on,” says the American. “You sold me the skull of Owain Glyndwr a few weeks ago.”

“Aye,” says Dai. “This is when he was a boy.”

[northsomersetred]

Whorefield benefits office 



A woman walks into the Whorefield benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 

'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 

'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 

'OK, and who's next?' 

'Well, this one he is Terry, also.' 

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' 

Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 


'I call them by their surnames!'

[northsomersetred]

Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester tonight. 

He got in a taxi to go to the gig but unfortunately he ended up in Chichester

[northsomersetred]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. 

After being in the coma for six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant; frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 

The doctor replies, Ma'am you had twins...... a boy and a girl. 

The babies are fine now however they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them. 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother........ He's a clueless moron! 

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name? " 

"Denise ," says the doctor . 

The new mother is somewhat relieved "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother...... I like Denise. Then she asks, 
"What's the boy' name?"........ 



... Denephew

[northsomersetred]

A pair of American, Siamese twins who are joined at the hip, go to the bar and order a couple of Pints. The barman ask's them have you been on hoiliday yet? "we are going next week" one of them replies, "we are going to England" 
Is that because of the Culture, the Queen, the scenery and the Music scene? asked the Barman. 

"No, it's the only chance he gets to Drive"

[Son of Fred]

A mate of mine is a co pilot for a major airline.recently he flew for the first time with a female captain-asking her "Captain,what is our eta??she replied;when I'm good and ready.........

[Aizoon]

14 hours ago, Robert the bruce said:

A mate of mine is a co pilot for a major airline.recently he flew for the first time with a female captain-asking her "Captain,what is our eta??she replied;when I'm good and ready.........

He's lucky she didn't shout GET OUT OF MY COCKPIT!

[northsomersetred]

Now THAT was a very interesting lunch break.
Sat in the cafe in sainsburys and an impossibly beautiful young Asian woman in a slinky little white dress was sat a couple of tables over from me. When she saw me looking at her I just thought "don't get an erection, don't get an erection.."
But she did.

[northsomersetred]

[downendcity]

Boss says to his secretary " I want to have sex with you, but don't worry it will be over very quickly"

He goes on to say, " I'll throw £1,000 down on the floor and I'll have sex with you in the time it takes to pick it up when you bend down to pick it up"

The secretary is not sure, so rings her boyfriend, who says " do it but ask for £2,000 and make sure you pick it up in  a flash. That way he won't even have time to unzip his trousers"

Half an hour later the boyfriend rings to find out how she got on.

" The bastard threw down the money in coins. I'm still picking them up and he's still going strong!" 

[Son of Fred]

great Dane bumps into his mate,German Shepherd in the vets waiting room...so,what brings you here,asks Shep..?..well,replies Dane,my owner was getting dressed this morning,hooking up her suspenders,when she bent over to pick her knickers off the floor I took my chance,jumped aboard and gave her a torrid seeing to......ah,I get the picture says Shep-so your here to have the plums removed??....no no,replies Dane-she's brought me in to have me nails clipped.

[WTFiGO!?!]

My psychiatrist suggested I may be a compulsive lier.

She then gave me a blow job right there on the couch and I left.

[Red-Robbo]

My mate's bought one of those inflatable sex dolls.

 

He's got the ISIS model. It blows itself up.

[Mike Hunt-Hertz]

1 hour ago, Red-Robbo said:

My mate's bought one of those inflatable sex dolls.

 

He's got the ISIS model. It blows itself up.

And when it inevitably gets punctured, and you need to bin it, it comes in its own black sack.

[WhistleHappy]

4 hours ago, Rouge Sans Pareil said:

And when it inevitably gets punctured, and you need to bin it, it comes in its own black sack.

ValueForMoney top tip,: after puncture, before discarding - allow it to slowly go down on you.  

i