BigTone Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 Dolly says sex is better when you’re on holiday. To be honest that’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 I walked past a restaurant today with Dolly and she said “Wow! Did you smell that delicious food?” What the hell?” I thought “I’ll treat her.” So I walked her past it again. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 Dolly bought me a universal remote control. I thought “That changes everything.” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 On Friday, June 03, 2016 at 00:04, cityexile said: Three mods walk in to a pub. [removed] Made I larf, anyway. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 I’ve never been too sure about genetically modified food but I’ve just eaten a lovely big leg of salmon and it was delicious. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 My rather attractive next door neighbour has just asked me if I know anything about the items missing from her washing line? I nearly shít her knickers. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 A man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourettes. The librarian says “**** off, you tw*t!” The man answers “That’s the one!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 My Thai girlfriend says she doesn’t mind a small penis. To be honest I’d prefer it if she didn’t have a penis at all. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 I swallowed some Scrabble tiles and then I sh!t ‘MYSELF’ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 Lost the wife to quicksand. Took a while to sink in. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 I’ve received several emails from Google Earth saying they can now read maps backwards. Surely that’s spam. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like. It didn’t start well when the coach we were travelling on broke down a few miles North of the capital. We were stranded in a third world hell hole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress, as all other women were head to toe in black burqas. We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble. Just then, Dave the organizer suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station. We were then able to get safely to King’s Cross and then on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey to Afghanistan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 6, 2016 Report Share Posted June 6, 2016 Robert Mugabe backwards is what a Yorkshireman says when he finds a packet of extra strong mints. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 The magician's assistant had her left side cut off , she's all right now . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 I lost my job at the calendar factory . All I did was take a day off . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 8, 2016 Report Share Posted June 8, 2016 I wanted to be a circus juggler , I just did n't have the balls. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 10, 2016 Report Share Posted June 10, 2016 Father O' Reilly prays for help as the flood waters rise to the roof of the presbertary where he takes shelter . Suddenly a helicopter arrives ,hovering overhead , he sees a man descending towards him . " Leave me, my son " he cries ," save others, I am in God's hands." Puzzled, but obeying, the pilot flies off . The level rises and the priest in taking his final breath demands " Lord , why did you desert me ? " A booming voice replies "You dosy sod , Who the frock do you think sent the chopper ? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 11, 2016 Report Share Posted June 11, 2016 As a rule I like to be in bed by 10 o'clock , if not I go home . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiale Posted June 13, 2016 Report Share Posted June 13, 2016 Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 Dolly accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. How could she say that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 I’ve just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know … 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 I went to the library and asked if they had that new book about tiny willies. The librarian said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I said “That’s the one!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 I bought Dolly a new fridge. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 I walked into B&Q the other day and this guy in an orange and black uniform asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was it. Others may not be as lucky so be on your guard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 14, 2016 Report Share Posted June 14, 2016 Policeman with sniffer dog said “My dog tells me you’re on drugs!” “I’m on drugs? You’re the one with the talking dog!” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 15, 2016 Report Share Posted June 15, 2016 Dolly's not happy. I replaced the bed with a trampoline and she hit the roof. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 15, 2016 Report Share Posted June 15, 2016 I had to give up my job as an underwater pipeline layer , my wife said i was plumbing the depths. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Dolly stayed up all night wondering when the sun would rise, then it dawned on her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 16, 2016 Report Share Posted June 16, 2016 Dolly says I’m obsessed with horticulture. Where does that stem from petal?” I asked. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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