WhistleHappy Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 13 hours ago, Red Right Hand said: A lorry is travelling along the M4 shedding it`s load of snooker equipment as it goes. Apparently there are cues for miles. ....I knew all those pot- holes would come in handy one day! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 1 hour ago, WhistleHappy said: ....I knew all those pot- holes would come in handy one day! Did you buy them at a Wholesalers ? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted November 25, 2016 Report Share Posted November 25, 2016 9 hours ago, BigTone said: Did you buy them at a Wholesalers ? That really is the pits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 2, 2016 Report Share Posted December 2, 2016 My mate keeps telling me ‘cheer up fella, it could be worse, you could be stuck in a hole in the ground full of water’ I know he means well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 2, 2016 Report Share Posted December 2, 2016 Three Women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted December 2, 2016 Report Share Posted December 2, 2016 I was hearing on the news today that calendars are in decline and won`t be around for much longer. Apparently their days are numbered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted December 20, 2016 Report Share Posted December 20, 2016 Doctor , I keep dreaming that I'm a goat . When did this first happen ? Oh , since I was a kid . ( since I was a kid ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joe jordans teeth Posted December 26, 2016 Report Share Posted December 26, 2016 Tasteless joke alert. George Michael has died quietly at home from cock suffocation Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin Maesknoll Red Posted December 29, 2016 Admin Report Share Posted December 29, 2016 The reason why there are no agony uncles...... Dear Phil, I am a 42 yr old mother. I left for work but after a mile or so, my car broke down. I had to walk home again, and on arriving home I found our babysitter handcuffed to the bed in a school uniform, sucking my husbands cock. I am devastated! Can you help?Dear Pam, a common cause for this, is dirt in your carburettor. Don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank in future. Hope this helps. Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted December 29, 2016 Admin Report Share Posted December 29, 2016 Why are there so many female archaeologists? Because women love digging up the past Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted December 29, 2016 Admin Report Share Posted December 29, 2016 I'm really overdrawn at the bank, and they keep phoning me and leaving voicemails I wish they'd just leave me a loan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted December 29, 2016 Admin Report Share Posted December 29, 2016 I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin Maesknoll Red Posted January 5, 2017 Admin Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 My mate, who supports the sags met a fairy today who granted him one wish. He took a while to think about it. "I would like to live forever" he said. "Sorry, I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that" said the fairy. So, he went with his second wish. "Fine, I want to die when the gas win the Premier league" "You crafty bastard" said the fairy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted January 5, 2017 Report Share Posted January 5, 2017 What do you call a woman standing in goal? Annette. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted January 12, 2017 Admin Report Share Posted January 12, 2017 My wife was really clever at school She got more A' s than a scouser trying to break up a fight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted January 13, 2017 Report Share Posted January 13, 2017 What do you call a woman who sets fire to her electricity bill? Bernadette. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted January 18, 2017 Report Share Posted January 18, 2017 My missus gave me £60 the other day and said 'Get something that makes me look sexy.' She didn't seem overly impressed when I returned home pissed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 I've just come back from Brazil where I witnessed the phenomenon that is Capoeira, a sort of mix between martial arts and dance . I attempted to launch my own version Kung Fu Salsa but have to admit that it didn't go very well . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 28, 2017 Report Share Posted January 28, 2017 Dolly told me to get a penis enlarger. So I did. She’s 18 and her name’s Françoise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 28, 2017 Report Share Posted January 28, 2017 Chap goes to the doctor with a hearing problem. The doctor asks him what are the symptoms? Man replies a cartoon series about a fictional American family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 28, 2017 Report Share Posted January 28, 2017 Dolly has left me and taken my thesaurus. I can’t find the words to express how upset I am. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted January 30, 2017 Report Share Posted January 30, 2017 On 28/01/2017 at 10:04, BigTone said: Dolly has left me and taken my thesaurus. I can’t find the words to express how upset I am. Try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erithacus Posted February 5, 2017 Report Share Posted February 5, 2017 Shamelessly lifted from the Keynsham Ladies cup programme: A prisoner was summoned to the Governor to be warned about writing graffiti on his cell walls. He was sent back to finish his sentence. Two goats on a rubbish tip, chewing the contents: one found some old cine film and ate it. The other asks 'Did you enjoy the movie?' The first replies 'I did, but I preferred the book.' 'Knock, knock!' 'Who's there?' 'The doorbell repair man.' If you spend too long using search engines, do you go Googley eyed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 7, 2017 Report Share Posted February 7, 2017 Paddy finds a pen on the bar and asks Mick if it’s his, Mick says i dont know, let me write with it. After writing his name he says “yes that’s mine” Paddy says “how do you know that” Mick says “its my handwriting.” 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 9, 2017 Report Share Posted February 9, 2017 One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass ?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.” “Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.” The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!” “Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cityexile Posted February 9, 2017 Report Share Posted February 9, 2017 I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a tsunami. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently, no sex tonight either! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Esmond Million's Bung Posted February 19, 2017 Report Share Posted February 19, 2017 A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
And Its Smith Posted February 28, 2017 Report Share Posted February 28, 2017 Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 This morning a large quantity of cocaine was washed up on the beach at Weston Super Mare causing danger to sea life . A Police spokesman said it would leave no Tern unstoned . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted March 1, 2017 Report Share Posted March 1, 2017 On 28/01/2017 at 11:00, BigTone said: Dolly told me to get a penis enlarger. So I did. She’s 18 and her name’s Françoise. Had her . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.