Lanterne Rouge Posted September 20, 2015 Report Share Posted September 20, 2015 Bought a wardrobe from the `Bonnie Tyler` range. It`s fine most of the time but every now and then it falls apart. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted September 20, 2015 Report Share Posted September 20, 2015 Just heard on the radio that a lorry on the M5 has been travelling along shedding it`s load of snooker equipment. Apparently there are cues for miles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted September 20, 2015 Report Share Posted September 20, 2015 I`ve been on the internet all afternoon trying to find a website that has lyrics to U2 songs. I still haven`t found what I`m looking for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted September 21, 2015 Report Share Posted September 21, 2015 (edited) I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Glyn?". I said "I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow" Edited September 21, 2015 by glynriley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted September 22, 2015 Report Share Posted September 22, 2015 What has 7 eyes but can't see... ...... 3 blind mice and half a sheeps head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted September 24, 2015 Report Share Posted September 24, 2015 Me and a mate just had a fight over which vowel is the best ....... I won. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted September 24, 2015 Report Share Posted September 24, 2015 (edited) My wife said she'd switch everything off before we went on holiday as I couldn't be trusted to do a proper job.Well just before we left I decided to double check, its a good job I did, - she'd forgotten to turn o ff the fridge and the aquarium. Edited September 24, 2015 by WhistleHappy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted September 24, 2015 Report Share Posted September 24, 2015 (edited) A new website for people with dyslexia..www.dailysex.com Edited September 24, 2015 by WhistleHappy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted September 28, 2015 Report Share Posted September 28, 2015 I looked forward to last night/morning for so long, stayed up middle of the night didnt got to bed til after 4am really exciting, beautiful sight etc... Today I'm absolutely over the moon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted September 29, 2015 Report Share Posted September 29, 2015 Some of these celebrity voice sat navs are rubbish. The Bonnie Tyler one just keeps telling you to turn around and the Fat Boy Slim one just keeps saying `right here right now`. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted September 30, 2015 Report Share Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLtuelp54bQ Could be worse .... TomTom didn't know if he was coming or going in the 70's.Some of these celebrity voice sat navs are rubbish. The Bonnie Tyler one just keeps telling you to turn around and the Fat Boy Slim one just keeps saying `right here right now`. Edited September 30, 2015 by WhistleHappy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ec/34/ee/ec34ee0bf5d7ffc4488726f01aa4d8f8.jpg When asked about the reasons he resigned, Sunderland manager Dick Advocaat said ...."Someone poured lemonade over me and it just snowballed from there". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 I can't think of any good bank jokes ATM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I lost my door mat but fortunately I had a spare one under a pile of keys in the garden. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 I’ve just found a replica Bristol Rovers shirt in a carrier bag in our communal bin. That’s just crazy! Those bags are worth 5p now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 I’ve just had the strangest phone call from a woman who says she is carrying my baby.I don’t have a baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 I woke up this morning with a massive hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. Well he’ll just have to mow round me because I’m not moving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 I’ve just been visited by the gendarmes who asked where I was between two and four. I said “nursery school”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 URGENT EMAIL ALERT: DO NOT open anything that says: Two tickets to a One Direction concert. It contains 2 tickets to a One Direction concert. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 7, 2015 Report Share Posted October 7, 2015 I’ve just found out our village has a library. They kept that quiet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 I’ve torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.I’ve got four Syrian flags raised in my front garden, one at each cornerand the black flag of ISIS in the centre.The local police, MI5, MI6, Special Branch and all the other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.I’ve never felt safer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 8, 2015 Report Share Posted October 8, 2015 Small gypsy/travelling lad was wailing to his mother;” mammy, mammy, mammy I forgotten on how to put me pants on!”“sure you haven’t” she replies“yellow at the front, brown at the back!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 10, 2015 Admin Report Share Posted October 10, 2015 Had an Irish mixed grill !!New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips. Got a text saying: "Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show....... "A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been shagging my wife?" voice in the back shouts" You don't have enough bullets"..... My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your boobs cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for. Scouser went to court accused of having sex with a cat.The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge, he'd never known a scouser put anything into a kitty! A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore arse.He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell arse cream?"The shopkeeper replies "That we do Lad, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?" My wife is suffering from depression.She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".So I sent her a timetable. I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.Does he make a song and dance about it? Does he hell! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted October 10, 2015 Report Share Posted October 10, 2015 My granddad was badly injured during the war. He had his tongue shot off. Never talked about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted October 11, 2015 Report Share Posted October 11, 2015 I woke up a 3am this morning and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing at the end of my bed.At first I was afraid, I was petrified. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 12, 2015 Admin Report Share Posted October 12, 2015 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted October 12, 2015 Report Share Posted October 12, 2015 For the final time, I am NOT addicted to brake fluid. I can stop when I like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanterne Rouge Posted October 18, 2015 Report Share Posted October 18, 2015 Just got back from a lovely Sunday lunch. I had oasis soup as a starter. You got a roll with it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 20, 2015 Admin Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.Nothing.Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.I think they were those Hovis Witnesses. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40. A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher... Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka! In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead. Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!! Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?! Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'Billy says, ' Wimbledon ..' A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.' Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour! An elderly couple is attending church. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'He replies, "Get a new hearing aid" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted October 20, 2015 Admin Report Share Posted October 20, 2015 Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen. The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice. The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped. The second condemned man. a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered. The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit.As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.