Robbored Posted October 27, 2022 Report Share Posted October 27, 2022 Two drinking buddies were chatting in the pub and one asked his buddy if he could keep the barman chatting for an hour after closing time as he was ‘shagging his wife” So he obliged and stayed after ‘time’ chatting and asking various question about running a bar but began to feel guilty and when the barman said that he had to go home he blurted out ‘my buddy is shagging your wife”……the barman smiled and said “I hurry home if I were you, my divorce came through 5 years ago”………. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northsomersetred Posted October 29, 2022 Report Share Posted October 29, 2022 Good morning. I once saw a man stuff a lion and a witch into a wardrobe. I asked him what he was doing and he replied " Go away, it's narnia business" 1 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted November 24, 2022 Report Share Posted November 24, 2022 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted November 24, 2022 Report Share Posted November 24, 2022 An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up. The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted December 6, 2022 Report Share Posted December 6, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted December 12, 2022 Report Share Posted December 12, 2022 (edited) I’ve been watching so much football I’ve got Qataracts Edited December 12, 2022 by Red DNA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted December 12, 2022 Report Share Posted December 12, 2022 For Sale - 90’s iconic puppets Sooty and Sweep. Any offer accepted - I just want them off my hands.. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted December 13, 2022 Report Share Posted December 13, 2022 Did you hear about the new biofuel extracted from parsley? Works great now they are trying to get the trains to run on thyme!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted December 13, 2022 Report Share Posted December 13, 2022 It's always been a dream of mine to take ABBA out for something to eat. And if I could, I would my friends. For Nando's. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted December 15, 2022 Report Share Posted December 15, 2022 I don't know about you guys, but we are cutting back on presents this Xmas? I still want to let my wife know that I still love her though so I have bought her an abacus. It's the little things that count. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted December 15, 2022 Report Share Posted December 15, 2022 My brother in law on the other hand has decided to say **** it all and splash out, with a new i-pad for his daughter, new i-phone for son and a new i-ron for his wife. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted December 19, 2022 Report Share Posted December 19, 2022 I saw that Brexit bloke cheering with that 'Simply The Best' singer during the World Cup final. - Farage & Tina? - No, for France. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted December 20, 2022 Admin Report Share Posted December 20, 2022 Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions. Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas – be safe out there....... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1960maaan Posted December 22, 2022 Report Share Posted December 22, 2022 Arrived early at a restaurant last night. Manager said "Do you mind waiting a bit?" I said "No" "Good," he said, "Take these drinks to table 7" 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted December 24, 2022 Report Share Posted December 24, 2022 My wife must think I'm stupid, in the run up to Christmas she has been leaving jewellery magazines all around the house, I know what she wants...I've got her a magazine rack, she will love it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted December 25, 2022 Report Share Posted December 25, 2022 Jesus Christ was going to be called Gary, but then Mary stubbed her toe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curr Avon Posted December 27, 2022 Report Share Posted December 27, 2022 And in yesterday's news, when asked why he ejected a home fan for wearing a rainbow tee shirt, a Bristol City steward said he was offended by Zippy and George. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted December 28, 2022 Report Share Posted December 28, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted January 18, 2023 Report Share Posted January 18, 2023 Breaking news.....Bristol Rovers have put bids in for 4 strikers.....a postman, teacher, nurse and a train driver. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedLionLad Posted January 21, 2023 Report Share Posted January 21, 2023 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted January 21, 2023 Report Share Posted January 21, 2023 1 hour ago, RedLionLad said: That was my most popular post if all time when I posted it the day after the game. https://www.otib.co.uk/index.php?/topic/215528-oh-cuthbert/&do=findComment&comment=4293309 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted January 29, 2023 Report Share Posted January 29, 2023 (edited) Two couples playing cards when host lady dropped a card under the table. The guests hubby Bob says that he’ll get and drops under the table to pick up the card. When down there he glances up to see host lady slightly opening her legs and saw that she was no panties…. A bit it later when both were pouring drinks in the kitchen she said to Bob “did you like what you saw earlier?” Bob nodded “you can have some but it’ll cost you £50, if you come around next Thursday afternoon, my hubby will be playing golf” Next Thursday Bob goes around, left £50 on the table and then had the most amazing sex he’d ever had. Later her hubby comes home and says “did Bob pop over? Concerned she said “umm yeah he did” “and did he give you £50?” even more nervous she said “he did actually” ”oh good, I lent him £50 at the golf club earlier and he said he’d he’d pop over and drop it off” Edited January 29, 2023 by Robbored 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerseybean Posted February 2, 2023 Report Share Posted February 2, 2023 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted February 2, 2023 Report Share Posted February 2, 2023 A bus load of nuns crashes on a dirt rd and they are all killed. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter asks them all to form a line to answer a couple of questions before entering heaven. Sister Agnes is first in the queue and St Peter says, "just one question, have you ever touched a penis?" Agnes says, "Well there was this one occasion when changing a wounded soldiers dressing, I touched it with the tip of my little finger". St Peter says "That's fine, just go to the font over there and dip your finger in the holy water and you can enter heaven" Sister Jude is next and admits that she once held a penis, Peter says "that's fine, just go wash your hands before entering". Suddenly, there is a commotion in the queue as Sister Mary is pushing her way to the front. St Peter says "There's no rush Sister, you will get in I am sure" Sister Mary says "I know that, but I thought if I am going to gargle with that holy water, I'd better do it before Sister Joan sticks her arse in it!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted February 14, 2023 Report Share Posted February 14, 2023 Great news! At last they’ve found a cure for dyslexia - that’s music to my arse. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted February 25, 2023 Report Share Posted February 25, 2023 Paddy goes for a labourers job on a building site, the foreman said the pay is £8.50 an hour then £13.50 after six months. The foreman said when can you start ? In about 6 months replied Paddy. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted March 3, 2023 Report Share Posted March 3, 2023 Paddy and Murphy are walking home very drunk, as they pass the bus depot Paddy says...don't worry I'll steal a bus. After 2 hours of buses moving forward and reversing Paddy arrived driving a bus. What took so long said Murphy....Paddy said...well the only bus that went near our house is the number 11 and they parked that right at the back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robbored Posted March 12, 2023 Report Share Posted March 12, 2023 Two guys who knew each by drinking in the same pub. Late one evening one asked the other “would you do me a favour and keep the barman chatting after closing time? I’m knocking off his wife” The other guy shrugged “sure” The first guy got up a good 20mins before the time bell and left. The second guy after drinking up time wandered upto the bar and starting chatting to the barman. It was all small talk but after a while he began to feel guilty…. ”sorry to keep you chatting mate but the guy that lefty early is knocking off your wife” The barman smiled and said “if I was you I’d hurry home, I’ve been divorced 7 years” 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted March 14, 2023 Report Share Posted March 14, 2023 My wife said...our new neighbours are so in love, he kisses her, strokes her hair and constantly hugs her, why don't you do that she said.....I don't know her that well yet I replied. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weepywall Posted March 25, 2023 Report Share Posted March 25, 2023 I thought my new girlfriend was the real deal but after searching through her drawer at home and finding a French maids outfit, a police woman's uniform and a nurses uniform I decided if she can't hold a job down then she's not the one for me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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