Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.

The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

[BigTone]

A Blonde was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere.

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

The Blonde: "Ok."

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

The Blonde: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

[BigTone]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his

deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced

the man's willy off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The

little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the

willy smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was

that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at

such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment

said..

"Sure had a big d###, didn't it?"

Edited June 2, 2007 by bigtone59

[Squeak]

Keep it up Tone!

This thread has become part of my daily online routine.

[BigTone]

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[BigTone]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

[BigTone]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and

step into the showers before they realize there is no soap .. Father

John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to

dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the

showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like

he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The

first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he

drops a bar of soap. " Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap

dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.

Sure enough,

he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she

gives several more! tugs,then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand

lotion too!"

[BigTone]

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so

he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop & explained his situation. The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...

the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"? The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis"

and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband

laughed, and said,

"It looks like a dildo!" The man then pointed to the door and

said, "Voodoo

Penis, door!" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the

door and

started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with

vibrations, so

much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man

said "Voodoo

Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the

box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the

husband

had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She

undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The

penis shot to her

crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering

orgasms,

she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried

to pull it

out, bu t it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how

to turn it

off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for

the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over

the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He

asked for

her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping

and

twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink

officer. You see, I've

got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop

screwing

me..." The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head

and replied,

"Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

[BigTone]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!"

Edited June 6, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said,

"Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[BigTone]

Miss Jones english lesson in her Primary school class was going extremely well.

Now children I want you to make up a sentence using the word "DEFINITELY"

Little Tom put his hand up and said

"Miss I am definitely going to be a millionaire when I grow up"

Thats not quite right said the Teacher as anything can happen betwee now and then.

Little Mary was next

"I'm definitely going to have fish and chip for my tea."

Maybe said the teacher but the fish shop may be closed.

Then she was amazed to see that little Johnny had his hand up as he was the terror of the class

Yes Johnny she asked

"Miss, does a fart have lumps in it?"

Of course not said teacher why do you ask?

"Then I have definitely sh*t myself" replied Johnny

[BigTone]

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

[BigTone]

Sorry, lost internet connection after big storm. Reconnected today:

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was

Onestone'. So named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him

Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I

will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot

and said,'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the

forest where he made love to her all day and all

night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue

Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he

promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his

given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to

the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and

said,'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird

wouldn't die.

What is the moral of this story?????

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

Edited June 13, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

[BigTone]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[BigTone]

At dawn the telephone rings: "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire"

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!

"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

So " WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and

I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...... LOOOONG SILENCE...

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

[BigTone]

A cop is patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly

glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a

computer Magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat,

knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop

walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop

says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a

pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in

a car, at night in a Lover's lane... And nothing obscene is

happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man

says "I'm 18, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

"She'll be 16 in 11minutes.

[BigTone]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

[BigTone]

Teacher asks the class can anyone give her a sentence using the word contagious?

A little girl pipes up " My brother has measles and mummy says they are contagious.

Very good says teacher anyone else?

Alittle boy puts his hand up and says" My granpa says that there is a bug going round and its very contagious.

Excellent says the teacher anyone else?

Little Seamus puts his hand up and says

My next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2" brush and my dad says that it will take that contagious.

[BigTone]

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth." he says. "Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

[BigTone]

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm going to go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm going to go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

A little old lady went out on a date after meeting a lovely

old gentleman in their retirement village. A lovely dinner

led to coffee at his place, which led to the usual.

Afterwards, lying in bed, the old gentleman thought to

himself "Wow, if I'd known she was a virgin I would

have taken it easier with her!"

The little old lady lay there thinking "Wow, if I'd known

he could get it up at his age, I would have taken my

pantyhose off!"

[BigTone]

Went to the Doctors the other day for my annual checkup. Was in the treatment room and the Nurse said "you need to stop wanking".

Taken aback I asked "why?"

She said "Because I'm trying to examine you"

[BigTone]

Will be off line for a day or so due to nasty Surgeon tomorrow, back asap.

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Girl: [starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

[BigTone]

Edited June 25, 2007 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

A mortician was working late one night

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said t o his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

[BigTone]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One

would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole

in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then

moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one

girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the

effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do

you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up

again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably

looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl

who plants the trees called in sick.'

[Dollymarie]

Can I do one?????

Three teddy bears in an airing cupboard, how can you tell which one is in the army?

Its the one sat on the tank!!!

[BigTone]

Can I do one?????

Three teddy bears in an airing cupboard, how can you tell which one is in the army?

Its the one sat on the tank!!!

Well done Pet

Edited June 27, 2007 by bigtone59