BigTone

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside. As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers. She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?" The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am". The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says, "Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean." Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again. "Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark." "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"

Jim and Bob are playing golf. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine and climbs down in search of it. Jim spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to Bob in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, I got trouble down here." Bob calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron. You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and, asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

As a bagpiper, Paddy was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As Paddy was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. Paddy apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. Paddy assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. Paddy played out his heart and soul.. As he played the workers began to weep. He played, and he played, like he'd never played before..... from Going Home & The Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . Paddy closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to his car. As he drove away one of the workers turned saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'have you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'have 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate. "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'I'm - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp." "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'I'm - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning."

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed." The clerk winked, "You want the 'Bridal'?" The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!' After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.' 'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner. The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.' The Londoner looks down in horror. '######ING HELL!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...'

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No not really" said Billy, "He plays Football for Bristol Rovers but I was just too embarrassed to say."

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Johnny told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no F......g bike!

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's east side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, '**** naw, they're nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the **** would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?' 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, '**** off, ye'll no bring it back!'

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force - The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. " "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face". The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". The Frenchman thought - "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French tw*t again".

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Ma ma, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!' Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

Two old Japanese men down at the Tokyo Labour exchange, in line waiting to sign on for thier pensions. Whilst waiting patiently one of them says to the other. Good morning, my name is Harry (very common jap name). The other shakes his hand and says; Pleased to meet you Harry, my names Karry (another common jap christain name). Karry says; " So, are you here to sign up for your pension?." "Yes. I have just retired after 42 years working in the Tokyo Sewers". "Bye eck !!!" says Harry, "Thats a coincidence. I've just retired and I worked there for 38 years. It's incredible that we have never met". Karry replies; " It is unbelievable, we must have passed like nips in the shite !!".

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus... 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?' Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 'Now what the ###### would you have said?

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE **** DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!!!

A little brown paper bag goes to the doctors. "I'm not well" he says. The doc tears off a little bit of paper to send away for tests. A week later, the little brown paper bag comes back for the results. "I'm afraid youv'e got AIDS" says the doc. "AIDS? ! How can I have AIDS? I'm just a little brown paper bag?" The doc replies, "Maybe your mum or dad was a carrier" !

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm." Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit." Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle." Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."