WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 As a huge fan of the Olympics, I'm dreading 2012. Poland are looking good and with the home advantage they're gonna be tough to beat... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InCider Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 What do you call a woman with big teeth who sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen. Okay, I'll provide my own tumbleweed ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I had to go to the police station and ask if there had been any developments in the case of the theft of my 2 pedigree "invisible" dogs. The police said "No, but we are following a couple of leads" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HIGHRIDGE BCFC Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I asked the wife,'Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaire-ish?, 'I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave altogether you ****',she replied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you isn't it." "I don't know what you mean. Sit down luv and let's talk about it." That's when I pulled her chair away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I've founded a band called The Prevention. We're going to be better than The Cure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 This woman came into my shop earlier on the phone, whispering about the amazing sex she had last night. She picked up a magazine and started flicking through it. I shouted over, "Hey, this isn't a library!" "I'm going to buy it," she replied. I said, "That's fine, I just mean you don't have to talk so quietly." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I'm treating my wife to a romantic dinner for her birthday. Soft, slow cooked pasta. The finest petis pois. Finely diced, soft soya flakes. A beautiful chicken stock marinade. Finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs. Then I just tip in water to the fill line, add the soy sauce sachet and I'm done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 After a night out, I dropped the wife off and drove the babysitter home. As we pulled up outside her house, I turned to thank her and noticed she was struggling to find the door handle. I stretched across, my arm softly brushing against her breast. "Oh, sorry about that," I said apologetically. "That's Ok," she replied, with a certain glint in her eye, "I liked it." I thought to myself, "Hmm, she's up for it, do I take a chance?" As I nervously moved forward to kiss her, she slowly closed her eyes and opened her mouth, our tongues met. I slipped my hand up her skirt and before I knew it, we'd had the most mind-blowing sex in the car. After, I breathlessly said,"Thanks mum, same time next week, yeah?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I said, "Can I use our son's room for my snooker table now he's not living here?" My wife burst into tears and ran out of the room. I said, "****** hell, what's wrong with her?" The policeman said, "Perhaps it was the wrong time to ask, sir. Try again after the funeral." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club, 5 minutes late. They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Saw David Hasselhoff go mental at a waitress last night. "I come here every week, and you still get it wrong... First is coleslaw, then comes corn on the cob and finally potato salad" he screamed. 'Typical' I thought, a woman who doesn't understand the Hoff-side rule. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself, "My pringles are getting crushed" I'll always remember the day my parents sat me down and said, "Son, if at first you don't succeed, try and try again." I said, "Thanks, but I think my suicide attempts are really just a cry for help." The mother-in-law storms in the living room and shouts, "Right, which one of you has diarrhoea and splashed it all up the seat?" "Sorry Eileen, it's me, but there wasn't any toilet paper to wipe it off." "And why would I keep bloody toilet roll in my Renault Clio?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I would give my middle bollock just to be normal. I asked my girlfriend what she would like most for her birthday. She put her hand out and twinkled her fingers to me. A glove it is then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 A man goes into Waterstones and asks if they have any books on Paranoia. The assistant beckons him closer, looks left and right then whispers, "They're behind you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 My mum hates it when I call my stepfather Bernie. He's pretty sensitive about the scars, apparently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I was having dinner with Mr T and he said, "Don't talk with your mouth full!" I said, "How else would I talk? And I ain't no fool." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 A chicken farmer went into a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I've just ordered a glass of champagne,too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' said the woman. 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' said the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I saw my mate riding past on his segway yesterday. "Alright Kevin," I said. "How's it going?" " **** knows," he replied. "I just have to lean forward, mate!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I was fishing with my Italian friend Mario. "I'm bored," I said. "How can we pass the time?" "We could have a debate," he replied. "No thanks," I said, "I've brought sandwiches." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InCider Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 Saw David Hasselhoff go mental at a waitress last night. "I come here every week, and you still get it wrong... First is coleslaw, then comes corn on the cob and finally potato salad" he screamed. 'Typical' I thought, a woman who doesn't understand the Hoff-side rule. Some great jokes today WhistleHappy. Really brightened my day up. This one is the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sephjnr Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I called a Psychic Hotline last night, and the woman on the other line said "Who am I speaking to?". I said "You're not very good, are you?" and hung up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 I don't see why people expect female linesman to be worse than male ones. I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 My girlfriend warned me that if I got her one more stupid gift then she would burn it....... ..... so I got her a candle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 I've got pizza, Chinese, Indian and even beer on speed dial on my phone. Every time I press it, I can hear a phone ring in the kitchen. I was looking at the fruit in the bowl, thinking... How the **** did I end up with a gay goldfish... I've been searching all day for a word that looks like it's a mock dinosaur's name. But I'm having no joy so far with the thesaurus. First France lose to England in the rugby, then they lose to Birmingham in the final ! Granddad will be happy ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 Sky News have just confirmed that the Leicester based company Walkers Crisps is to be taken over by a mega rich Arabian Consortium led by Sultan Sheikh. I'll never forget the moment when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I was having a s**t at the time. She was having a bath. She texts: If you're dreaming, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're crying, send me your tears. He replies: I'm sh**ting, what should I send you? Whilst cooking I got some herbs in my eye..I am now parsley sighted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abraham Romanovich Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' ' No thanks says the jockey I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 I walked into a corner shop In Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar. I asked, "How much is this love?" She said, "You're not from round here are you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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