Rudolf Hucker Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 21, 2011 Report Share Posted February 21, 2011 An old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering, obviously thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People close to the table noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a single bite. She sat there, watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said, "No thank you, we are used to sharing everything" Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered: "The teeth." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 My girlfriend told me last night that she thinks my brother is an ugly b*****d I wouldn't mind but we are identical twins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 22, 2011 Report Share Posted February 22, 2011 An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ....... '**** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 23, 2011 Report Share Posted February 23, 2011 At a lawyers chamber... Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months. Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 23, 2011 Report Share Posted February 23, 2011 After examining a patient... Doctor: I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking. Patient: In that case, I'll come back when you're sober! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 "You can tell a lot about a person by their car. "For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a womans .............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 A bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another handfull , he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?" "We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied. "We just love the chocolate around them." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeffhead Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 My lesbian nieghbours brought me a rolex for my birthday, i think they misunderstood me when i said i wanted a watch... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. " Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a ****ing arsehole...!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. So I rang up British Telecom,I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 What's the difference between a jog on the Cotswolds and Ian Holloway sitting in your kitchen? One's a pant in the country ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon uk Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 What's the difference between a jog on the Cotswolds and Ian Holloway sitting in your kitchen? One's a pant in the country ... mint..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigphilgj Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 there's a man at the door with a bill - must be a duck with a hat on there's a man at the door with a moustache - tell him i aleady have one the invisible man's at the door - tell him I can't see him I got a colour TV for my grandma last week - that's a good swap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigphilgj Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 sorry - double post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiderEagle Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 Just turned down a job offer in Saudi Arabia. They wanted me to go to Riyadh, I said no, no, no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmite Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 Best joke arround at the moment...Bristol City Councillors and Planners. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner. The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken", replies the coroner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 double post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Stan Hibbert Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 What's the difference between a jog on the Cotswolds and Ian Holloway sitting in your kitchen? One's a pant in the country ... What's a Cant in the Pountry? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 What does D.N.A stand for? The National Dyslexia Association Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 Doctor, doctor. Every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy. Ok, how long have you been having these Disney spells? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmite Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmite Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmite Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmite Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 After having their 11th child, a couple from Horfield decided that enough was enough. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 12. The bloke said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world - I support the Rovers - but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6' at which point he paused and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Cardiff, Swindon and Plymouth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marmite Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 Man comes home from pub a bit the worse for wear carrying a sheep under his arm. As he reaches the bedroom he sees his wife sat up waiting for him with a withering look on her face. The man says "this is the pig I go to when you don't want sex". His wife says " you must be pissed, your carrying a sheep". He says "I was talking to the sheep"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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