WhistleHappy Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Not too much fun at the Gate recently, even Tones forum jokes have dried up lately.... come on BigTone give us something to smile about again .... get yer joke book out!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sephjnr Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Geoff Dunford was so concerned that the average head-count has dropped below 5,000 at the Mem on Saturdays he's considering moving the team to Hinkley Point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abraham Romanovich Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I was in my butchers this morning and the bloke behind the counter said, "I bet you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf". I replied I wasn't going to gamble, as the steaks were too high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I went to a record shop and I said , What have you got by The Doors ,the bloke said a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sephjnr Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A couple on holiday in Marbella send their ten-year-old son out on the balcony of their hotel block while they make love. The dad asks his boy what he can see while the mum covers her mouth as they copulate. "I can see a flock of seagulls going out into the bay", the boy replies. "What else is there?" Dad asks while he's getting close to the end. "I can see a few market stalls in the town square, some police having a tea-break quite near... Oh, and the Smiths in the block opposite are having sex." "WHAT?" the Mum yells. "How do you know that?" "Becky is out on the balcony looking around as well." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sniper Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A girl flashed her tits at me today.I just giggled like a little school boy.Then she said, "Will you quit f.cking about and just check the lump, doctor?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 What has 7 eyes but cant see 3 blind mice and half a sheeps head ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Us_and_Them Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 At least after the 2022 World Cup, Qatar will have some cracking stadiums to stone women in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Do you know what REALLY makes my blood boil ? Electric chairs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A man goes into a bakers Man - Can I have a loaf of bread please Baker - Brown or White ? Man - It doesn't matter , I've got my bike outside Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Customer.."Hake & chips twice" Chippy.... "I heard you the first time!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't **** you if you were the last person alive."Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"Wiped the smug look off her face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 My wife left me because she caught me measuring my penis It just reaches the back of her sisters throat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian! Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played football for Bristol City.He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sephjnr Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 What do you call a woman with three tw_ts? The Black Eyed Peas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portland Bill Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Whats ET short for ? Cos hes got little legs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Two essex girls in a pub. In walks an attractive bloke with dandruff. 1st essex girl says "he needs head & shoulders" 2nd essex girls says," How do u give shoulders ?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 What do you call a Nun in a wheelchair Virgin mobile Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sampson City Reds Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A man walks into a doctors and says Man: Doctor Ive broken my arm in 3 places Doctor replies Doctor: Well stop going to these places!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnM Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 2 women called at my door and asked me what bread I ate ---- when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were yer Hovis Witnesses..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnM Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I got invited to a party and was told to come dressed to kill........ Apparently a turban, beard and backpack wasn't what they had in mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire....... "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.... After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.." The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave your minge?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh, yes, look ..." said the woman, pulled down her knickers and showed the girl. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oops Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I said to my wife last night, "Lets play the rape game!" she said "NO!!" I said "Thats my girl, played it before have you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 My ******* neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I was fingering this bird the other night when I thought... do pigeons really enjoy this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippycar Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 What does FIFA stand for? The Russian national anthem Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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