Rob k Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 A man goes into a bakers Man - Can I have a loaf of bread please Baker - Brown or White ? Man - It doesn't matter , I've got my bike outside I need this explained, been trying to get it fort the last 10 mins Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 I need this explained, been trying to get it fort the last 10 mins You're not supposed to get it , thats what makes it funny (if you know what I mean?) And you're definitley not supposed to ask. Tell it to your mates next time you are in the pub and see their reactions , theres the comedy !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 My ******* neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums. Theres some good 'uns in this thread but for me this ones the best so far (see above) & the 'yer Hovis Witnesses' joke was a gem too !! thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiderHider Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiderHider Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CiderHider Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnM Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.' He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while . I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand'. So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.' Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, Ithought I told you to shovel this pile.' The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.' The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent. Just then the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells: 'SUPPLIES!!! !' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigphilgj Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Man walks into a butchers: 'excuse me - do you have a sheep's head?' Butcher: 'no - it's just the way I part my hair.' Man walks into a chippy - 'scuse me love, do you have pigs trotters?' Woman - 'yes' Man - 'Then hop over the counter porky and get me a bag of chips' Man walks into the butchers and saiys 'give me some pork chops and make them lean' Butcher - 'certainly sir, what direction?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnM Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 An old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to help him check his balance. ... so i pushed him over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hinsleburg Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Gary Glitter declares his interest as the next Aston Villa manager after hearing that their forwards are both Young and Bent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red panda Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 With all due respect to previous posters (and some very good jokes), the funniest thing I've seen today was a comment from a R**vers fan on the Evil Post website: "If Dave is looking for a big target man, then surely his standing in the game will enable him to bring someone in of real quality. Jay Bothroyd is looking to leave Cardiff so it would be logical for Rovers to make a move for him." Surprised he could get an internet connection from whatever planet he is living on ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
seebokseduction Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Gary Glitter declares his interest as the next Aston Villa manager after hearing that their forwards are both Young and Bent. Gary Glitter declares his interest as the next Aston Villa manager after hearing that their forwards are both Young, Bent and maybe Keane! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolman Block B Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Popped into a chemists earlier and asked for some Viagra! Pharmacist said, " I will need some medical proof that you need it" I replied, "Would a picture of my wife do?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolman Block B Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression!!! It,s called "trycoxagain" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolman Block B Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Whats the difference between a Muslim wife and a Essex wife? The Essex wife gets stoned before she commits adulltery!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter O Hanraha-hanrahan Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 ...so there I was, giving a blowjob to a Thai callgirl and I suddenly thought....HANG ON A MINUTE!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolman Block B Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Bought the mother in law some crotchless knickers for Christmas! Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Site forman gives Paddy a job. "First job, Pat, take a wheelbarow and move all those bricks to the brickies," Half hour later Paddy knocks on the formans door. " Soir, I need a new barrow." " Why/" asks the forman " It's droiving me barmy soir, its going, squeek..................squeek..................squeek...........!" "Your fired!" shouts the foreman "Why ?" enquires the dumbfounded Dubliner "It should be going, squeek, squeek, squeek, squeek !" says the foreman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 A male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $3.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.00 HAND JOB: $1,000.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?' 'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?' 'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.' The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon atyeo is my dad Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 How did captain hook die........ He wiped his bum with the wrong hand! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All the passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evy11_BCFC Posted January 21, 2011 Report Share Posted January 21, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dollymarie Posted January 22, 2011 Report Share Posted January 22, 2011 So I walking down the road and this guy threw some Cheese at me. I said 'that wasn't very MATURE' Its ok though, he did it Caer-philly Thankyou, thankyou, im here all week! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Bigtone ? ..... still no sign of him... whats up?.. where is he? ..... the answers out there somewhere.... bigtone The Official Site So what's up with bigtone? That's the question we get each week. We have had hundreds of emails & IM's asking us just that. Well obviously bigtone has been ... But this aint it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Sorry about the disappearance but have been in Australia visiting my Folks. Arrived back yesterday and will make up for lost time. My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Normal service has resumed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frenchay Red Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 This has got to be one of the best threads on here for ages. When my grandfather was seriously ill my gran decided to rub lard all over his back. After that he went down hill very quickly. For more like that check out Milton Jones........brilliant! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Sorry about the disappearance but have been in Australia visiting my Folks. Arrived back yesterday and will make up for lost time. My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak Like a breath of fresh ayer, welcome back - .... did ya bring us back a stick of the famous Ayers Rock ? (got some fron Weston but I bet the Aussie stuff is better!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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