BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Like a breath of fresh ayer, welcome back - .... did ya bring us back a stick of the famous Ayers Rock ? (got some fron Weston but I bet the Aussie stuff is better!) I was going to but it was taking too long to get the wrapping around it. Instead I spent many an evening singing "Barmy Army" at Aussie BBQ's. Went down a storm !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Someone told me that flowers have sex organs. Poppycock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sniper Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are too small. "Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?" she asks. Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, "I know how to make them larger!" "How?" she asks. "Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs." "Well, how long does it take?" she asks. "They should expand over the years," he answers. "How did you know that?" she wonders. "I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. Problem is after a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac doesn't..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?" The madam replies $60. "Wow, what do I get for that," he says. She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian shirt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 What do you call an Aussie holding a bottle of champagne............. A waiter! What do you call an Australian who's good with a bat?.......................a vet! What do you call an aussie who can hold a catch?... a fisherman! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I've just bought my new rifle and can't believe the manual that came with it doesn't have a "trouble shooting" section Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 What do you call an Aussie holding a bottle of champagne............. A waiter! What do you call an Australian who's good with a bat?.......................a vet! What do you call an aussie who can hold a catch?... a fisherman! let's wait till the end of the one-dayers, shall we. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 let's wait till the end of the one-dayers, shall we. The prestige of an Ashes win far exceeds a piss fart little one day series Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slartibartfast Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 The prestige of an Ashes win far exceeds a piss fart little one day series oh, don't get me wrong, I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hinsleburg Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I've just gone out and bought the New Fifa 12!!! It's pretty much the same as Fifa 11 apart from when my Wife picks up the controller Andy Gray shouts at her to put it down and get back to the Kitchen!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LA Red Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 A new Mr Men character has been suggested, based on Emile Heskey. Mr Sitter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pottyun69 Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I text my wife a picture of my flacid penis. I wanted to let her know I was thinking of her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Last night I was going to kill myself by swallowing a handful of asprins - but after taking the first two I felt much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 When I told Joseph Fritzl that women were like a fine wine, I'm not sure he quite understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 I've always been the kind of person who likes to think outside of the box.Although it has harmed my career as a goalkeeper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Just downloaded the new FIFA 11 commentary update.Not much different, although when my girlfriend went on it, Andy Gray shouted at her to "put that ******* controller down and get back to the kitchen." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted January 26, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. - A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. - & a good tip for some of us on Otib > Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 "So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk' I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down? A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'. So I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well!' you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. The fire brigade have tried everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pottyun69 Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 SKY NEWS: "Assistant referee Sian Massey withdrawn from tonight's match between Crewe & Bradford" Probably on her period. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted January 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 My girlfriend had a coil fitted and still got pregnant. We're expecting a baby in the spring. ......................................... I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are." Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk." She said, "Yes you are." I said, "No I'm ****** not." She said, "Can you tell the time?" I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not ******* drunk." ............................ I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection." But she did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted January 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?" I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked" I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03. "Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay. "Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra." "Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and ****** off. I was eating my girlfriend's pussy last night when I suddenly thought to myself.... ."What the hell am I going to tell her when she realises her cat's gone missing?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abraham Romanovich Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 Just bought 12 bottles of Tippex. Huge mistake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Port Said Red Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 I must admit I expected BigTone to reply here with "you think I'm funny? Funny how? Do I amuse you?" Anyway here we go. "it's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it" "I went to a General store, but the wouldn't sell me anything specific" "I went to local 24 hour store, when I got there the guy was closing, I said I thought you were open 24 hours, he said, not all in one go" " I have friend called John he's a radio announcer, when he walks under bridges you can't hear him speak" "I met a beautiful blonde haired chinese girl on the bus she was crying. I said why are you crying? She said I am a nymphomaniac, but I am only turned on by, jewish men and Cowboys. I said well look if you ever want to discuss your problems, here's my number, by the way, my name's Bucky Goldstein. Thanks to Steven Wright........... (not that one ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.' I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down. 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlboni Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 Little billy suffers with Dyslexia and is out shopping with his mum. Billy asks his mum if they can stop off and have a McDonalds for lunch. She looks up and says to Billy youve been a really good boy so alsong as you can spell it you can have what ever you like from there. Billy says **** it ill have a KCF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 I must admit I expected BigTone to reply here with "you think I'm funny? Funny how? Do I amuse you?" You've lost me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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