glynriley Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 I got a sweater for Christmas. What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 Did you hear about the suicidal Gashead? He killed his twin brother by mistake ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 I just got thrown out of McDonalds. The girl serving was an absolute stunner and she told me she could make it large for 30p. I told her she already had, but could she finish me off for a pound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up . ' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome . ' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer . Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply . 'You're joking!' was the response . 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight . 'Here are my tools . ' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here .. ' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house . 'Yeah, I can see my house all right . This sight is fantastic . I can see right in the window . ' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom .. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her . . . . . He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger . ' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth' 'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson . ' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes . 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently . 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrizleCiderArmy Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 A woman goes into the greengrocers and asks for a cucumber. The shop assistant replys "whole or sliced?" She turns round to him and says "Ive got a fanny not a slot machine!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf! ' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 The Birmingham City coach will be delayed on the way back from Wembley. The players have got to stop at Ikea to buy a cabinet! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle. Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?" A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him. What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a s**t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 I was trying to find a way to kill my wife without raising suspicion. So I bought her a car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "d**khead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex ? "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben4BCFC Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 Ashley Cole - Once a Gunner, always a gunner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whooooossshhhh Posted February 28, 2011 Report Share Posted February 28, 2011 I had some tests at the Doctor's last week and the Practice Nurse rang me today with the results................."Mr. Jacko" she said, "It turns out that you're colour blind". Well, the news was totally unexpected to me. "Wow," I said to her, "That came right out of the orange". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frenchay Red Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GJS_Cider_Army Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked. Poor bastard must have wondered what the **** was going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers. The Redhead sighs and says: 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.' The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?' The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.' The blonde says: .......'Don't you have a vase?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! - how bloody funny is that !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have a vagina?'....... 'Yes' she says....... The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glynriley Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 My wife bought herself a T-shirt that says "I love Hip Hop" on the front. I told the fat cow it had a few letters missing , and should say "I love Chip Shops" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!" A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CotswoldRed Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!" A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." Brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents. I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?" "Wales, you fu****g idiot," one of them replied. "Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "you're different to all the other girls I've slept with." She said, "that's because I'm a bloke, you tw*t." That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Liverpool: Hi lads, how much for Carroll? Newcastle: 35 million, j... Liverpool: Done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 I went to Poland once. It was the worst of the Teletubby themed amusement parks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 My wife and I both like to play games that reflect our jobs. As a policeman, I like to play Cluedo. As a woman's rights campaigner, she likes to play Trivial Pursuit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rudolf Hucker Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay,dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Nicola, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhistleHappy Posted March 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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