Written jokes thread

[bcfcbs20]

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think Gas Heads come from?"

Edited April 22, 2014 by bcfcbs20

[BigTone]

I've just been down my garden and saw my dog shagging a cabbage.

He must have thought it was a Collie

[BigTone]

My mum doesn't like her new stair-lift.

She says it's driving her up the wall.

[1960maaan]

Small women hate being patronised . 
How do you know ? 
A little bird told me   

[You Do The Dziekanowski]

3rd May 2014 4:53 Memorial Stadium Bristol

[Drew Peacock]

America are sending out a crack unit to find the kidnapped school girls in Nigeria.

Britain are sending Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.....

[BigTone]

A woman goes in to Holland and Barret. She reaches up for something from the top shelf, and dislodges a whole box of Omega 3 tablets, which comes down and hits her on the head.

Its, Ok, however, as she only suffers super fish oil injuries.

[BigTone]

A young woman was shopping in Tesco and got to the checkout. She saw a virile muscle-bound man packing bags, so went to this till. 'Would you like your bags packed ?' ''Oh yes please'', and the young man proceeds of pack for her as she keeps giving him the 'eye'. The young sex machine asks 'would you like me to take your shopping to your car ?' ''Oh yes please', she said seductively. As the get out of the store she rubs up against him and said ''I have an itchy pussy'.

He replied.........................

'You will have to point it out as all Japanese cars look the same to me'

[BigTone]

my uncle had a terrible accident at the Nestle Factory where he works, a pallet of chocolate fell on him , but when he called out to his workmates "the Milky Ways are on me " they just cheered

[BigTone]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[BigTone]

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

[BigTone]

An Emergency Call Center worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems Nick Clegg dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet God."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

[BigTone]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[Superjack]

An old woman had a parrot that was prone to swearing.

One day, the old woman said to the parrot, "The vicar is coming this afternoon... please please don't swear".

"Ok", said the parrot.

The vicar arrived and immediately noticed that the parrot had a ribbon tied to each leg.

"What are the ribbons for?", he asked.

The old woman replied, "Well... when I pull the left ribbon, he sings Abide With Me... when I pull the right ribbon, he recites the Lord's Prayer".

"Amazing", said the vicar. "And what does he do when you pull both ribbons together? ".

"I fall off my ******* perch, you *****!", replied the parrot.

[Red-Robbo]

I tried wafting air around the room by waving my arms about. It was ineffective and uncomfortable. As you can tell, I'm not a fan.

[BigTone]

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"


"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"


"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

[Hartcliffe red]

Heard of the new corderoy pillows?....they are making headlines

[Drew Peacock]

I got on the bus the other day and the only seat left was next to a young mother who was carrying her baby. After about ten mins into the journey she pulls out her tit and tries to feed the baby. The baby could not have been hungry as it was not for taking any. The mother trying to encourage the baby said come on now if you dont take your lunch i'm going to give it to this nice man. I didn't know where to look. After about another 10 mins again she tried to feed the baby.Once again she said if the baby didn't eat up she was going to give it to the nice man. At this point I turned to the mother and said look will you make up your mind I should have got of this bus 4 stops ago.

[BigTone]

"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."

[Drew Peacock]

Sad news about Rik Mayal, not knowing much about him i googled Young Ones and Bottom,i did not think that one through how do you delete browser history ??

[BigTone]

A blonde wanted to apply for job as a detective. She went into the station to apply, and the sergeant said, "I will need to ask you a few questions." "What is 2+2?" The blonde said, "4." "What color is the sky?" The blonde answered, "Blue." "Who shot Lincoln?" The blonde said, "I don't know." The officer said, "When you find out come back and tell me." So the blonde went home. Her roommate asked her if she got the job. She said, "As a matter of fact I did, and they put me on a case already!"

[Drew Peacock]

Next weeks Animal Hospital where Rolf explains how to handle a young beaver has apparently been cancelled.

[BigTone]

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Gulf War ... Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy who was a Scouser, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

[Red-Robbo]

Remember those two terrible winters we had once?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mike and Bernie.

[BigTone]

A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."

A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.

After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."

The man shouts, "You're on!"

After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"

The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."

[Aizoon]

OK. It's summer. All the lovely young women are wearing T Shirts with no bra. And it's hot

I ask you - is that fair? Why don't they do that in the winter?

Edited July 17, 2014 by Aizoon

[BigTone]

[BigTone]

Some people call it masturbating, but I prefer to call it "rehearsing".

[BigTone]

Just too let you know the premature ejaculation society dinner is tonight No dress code, just come in your pants.

[BigTone]

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.