BigTone Posted June 28, 2016 Report Share Posted June 28, 2016 Recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. when a women ovulates she prefers men with rugged features. when she menstruates she prefers men smart and well shaven, and when she is pre-menstrual she prefers men to be doused in petrol, se on fire, with a cricket stump jammed up his arse. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 29, 2016 Report Share Posted June 29, 2016 Security guards arrested me in the duvet factory, i was just feeling down. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted June 29, 2016 Report Share Posted June 29, 2016 Just bought a Rolls Canardleigh , rolls down hills but Canardleigh get up them . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted June 30, 2016 Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of ’66 would have fared against Iceland. “I think we’d have won 1-0 ” he replied. “Only 1-0?” Asks the reporter. “Yes,” said Bobby. “Most of us are in our 70’s now!” 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 Neighbourhood policing is to be reinforced with a doubling of the number of Bobbys on the beat . No need to be alarmed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 A man broke into Scotland yard last night and stole all the low energy bulbs . Police are delighted . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 4, 2016 Report Share Posted July 4, 2016 What is common between a 3-pin plug and the England football team? They are both useless in Europe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
handsofclay Posted July 4, 2016 Report Share Posted July 4, 2016 A Roman senator went into a bar and said to the barman, 'I'll have a Martinus, please.' 'Are you sure you don't mean a Martini?' replied the barman. 'Look,' said the senator glaring at the barman, 'If I wanted a double I would bloody well have asked for one!' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erithacus Posted July 4, 2016 Report Share Posted July 4, 2016 I've quit my job at the sewage works. I didn't really enjoy it, and it got me more downhearted with every passing day. In the end, I was just going through the motions... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiale Posted July 5, 2016 Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 22 hours ago, handsofclay1909 said: A Roman senator went into a bar and said to the barman, 'I'll have a Martinus, please.' 'Are you sure you don't mean a Martini?' replied the barman. 'Look,' said the senator glaring at the barman, 'If I wanted a double I would bloody well have asked for one!' hee hee Two Germans walk into a bar in Libya and ask for two Martinis " Dry ? " " Nien, Zwei ! " 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 6, 2016 Report Share Posted July 6, 2016 Doctor " I'm sorry but you have a terminal disease and only ten to live " Patient " What ? Ten what ? Months ? Years ? Doctor. " nine ". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 6, 2016 Report Share Posted July 6, 2016 I have n't spoken to my wife in years , She hates to be interrupted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 6, 2016 Report Share Posted July 6, 2016 (edited) A married couple having dinner . The woman drops ketchup on her white top , " Damn , I must look like a pig " the man nods , " and you spilt Tomato Source on your blouse " . Edited July 6, 2016 by Major Isewater Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 There are two rules for success; 1) Don't divulge everything you know . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 On my passport where It asks ' who to notify in case of emergency ' I wrote " A very good doctor ". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myol'man Posted July 7, 2016 Report Share Posted July 7, 2016 Bookies are offering odds of 20/1 against Bristol Rovers winning League 1 next season. For those of you who don't understand betting, for every £10 you put on you will lose £10 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Very sad news: The chap who invented predictive text has passed away. For anemone intestine in going to his funfair, it’s next monkey. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southside Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 On 08/07/2016 at 07:49, BigTone said: Very sad news: The chap who invented predictive text has passed away. For anemone intestine in going to his funfair, it’s next monkey. I didn't even know he was i'll 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 I told my Dad that I had run behind the bus and saved a quid on bus fare . He told me I should have run behind a taxi and saved a tenner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Always borrow money from a pessimist , they never expect it back . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 12, 2016 Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 I may have got the Pizza Hut app mixed up with Grindr. Either way, there’s a 10-Inch Vegetarian on its way and I’m not sure what to expect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 13, 2016 Report Share Posted July 13, 2016 A Farmer coming back from market with an un sold duck passes by an Adult cinema . On seeing the posters for the hot films being shown he decides to treat himself . The only problem is that he does n't know what to do with the duck . He has a brainwave and hides the bird inside his over coat and proceeds to buy a ticket . Installed on the back row , next to a young couple , he sits back to enjoy the bluie . A few minutes later the young woman turns to her boyfriend and complains that the bloke next her has got his thingy out . " Oh , don't be such a prude , you know what men do in these types of theatres " says the bloke . " I know , but this one's eating my popcorn " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 14, 2016 Report Share Posted July 14, 2016 A new husband arrived home with a big bouquet of flowers. His wife met him at the door, saw the flowers and dropped on the floor, spreading her legs in front of him. "This is for the flowers," she said. "Don't be silly," he said. "I'am sure we have a vase somewhere at home". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BS4 on Tour... Posted July 16, 2016 Report Share Posted July 16, 2016 I've got a new job demonstrating how to use road maps - we'll see how that unfolds... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted July 17, 2016 Admin Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 Why did the chuckle brothers join British gas? To meter you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red DNA Posted July 21, 2016 Report Share Posted July 21, 2016 Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist who suffered from insomnia- stayed awake all night wondering if there is a Dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiale Posted July 22, 2016 Report Share Posted July 22, 2016 A art thief decides to steal from the Lourve. Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 I’ve really been enjoying this hot weather. Especially the low cut tops and the really short skirts, although someone spoiled it for me today by saying they made me look a bit gay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 I’ve just had a massive row with my dad and his new Thai bride over their relationship. He said my attitude stinks and my dad agreed. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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