BigTone Posted December 14, 2012 Report Share Posted December 14, 2012 The doctor has put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night. It's brilliant, it doesn't matter what position I try, nothing wakes her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 14, 2012 Report Share Posted December 14, 2012 "There's a spider in the bedroom," screamed my girlfriend , "Get it out Tone! Oh Please hurry and get it out!" "OK, but I don't know why they turn you on so much," I said, unzipping my jeans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexrusselsboot Posted December 15, 2012 Report Share Posted December 15, 2012 Our back 4 (or at least 3 of them)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cider hoss rules Posted December 15, 2012 Report Share Posted December 15, 2012 my dog will chase anyone on a bike, the only way I could stop him was to take his bike off him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 16, 2012 Report Share Posted December 16, 2012 Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided that, if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 22, 2012 Report Share Posted December 22, 2012 The wife of Mulla Nasrudin had received a beautiful skunk coat for her birthday a gift from her husband. "Why," she said with excitement,"I just can't understand how a beautiful coat like that could possibly come from such a miserable evil-smelling little beast." "WELL," said Nasrudin, "I DID NOT EXACTLY EXPECT ANY GRATITUDE FROM YOU, BUT I DO THINK I DESERVE A LITTLE BIT MORE RESPECT." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 26, 2012 Report Share Posted December 26, 2012 For want of conversation at the Christmas dinner table earlier I said, "I hear the water levels in Devon have been pretty substantial.". "Parsnips?" my mum interjected. "Well I don't know if it's gone chest high mother but its pretty deep." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 30, 2012 Report Share Posted December 30, 2012 My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex. Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 31, 2012 Report Share Posted December 31, 2012 I had a horrible dream last night that I was being chased by Eddie Stobart. It was a logistical nightmare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 2, 2013 Report Share Posted January 2, 2013 My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the bloke involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her he was entitled to do whatever he wanted in his own conservatory Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Esmond Million's Bung Posted January 4, 2013 Report Share Posted January 4, 2013 A man used to drink a lot a and come home drunk, his wife said to him "if you come home drunk again i'm leaving you". The man of course went out and not only got drunk but vomited all over himself, his friend said "this what you do, go home and tell your wife a man vomited over you and put a £20 note in your pocket and say this is what he gave me to cover the dry cleaning bill". So the man goes home and as soon as he gets in he says "before you start a man vomited all over me, but he gave this £20 for the dry cleaning bill". His wife says "ok but you have 2 £20 notes, what is the 2nd £20 note for"?. The man replies "oh yes, that's from the man who shat in my trousers". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 5, 2013 Report Share Posted January 5, 2013 I start a lot of paintings, but I never finish them. I'm an expert in partial arts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cider hoss rules Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 How do you know when it's time to clean up your house and do the washing up? Look in your pants, if you have a c*ck then it's not time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 6, 2013 Report Share Posted January 6, 2013 My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, then smeared the walls with his own faeces. I'll never play monopoly with him again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cider hoss rules Posted January 10, 2013 Report Share Posted January 10, 2013 What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 10, 2013 Report Share Posted January 10, 2013 I was driving home last night when I saw my wife's car parked in a lay-by. The back of it was bouncing up and down. Silly bitch, she must've been trying to pull off with the handbrake on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 10, 2013 Report Share Posted January 10, 2013 A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out in fear, "Watch out for the wall Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 10, 2013 Report Share Posted January 10, 2013 A white horse goes into a pub and asks for a pint. The bar-man says "hey, we've got a scotch whisky here behind the bar that's named after you". The horse replies "what - Kevin?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 11, 2013 Report Share Posted January 11, 2013 I ordered a silicon life like replica of my girlfriend's private parts from a specialist company on the internet. Imagine my disappointment a few days later at seeing the postman walking up my path carrying a torn soggy box with the flaps blowing in the wind. I thought they could have at least wrapped it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 14, 2013 Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 I rang the RSPCA yesterday and said, "I have just found my dog lying down in a puddle of blood in my back garden." "That's awful," she said. "Is it moving?" "Quite emotional" i replied Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 14, 2013 Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 I came home from the pub, went upstairs and said to my wife, "I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight love." "That's thoughtful of you," she said, "you're pi***d and don't want to disturb me?" "No, I've brought a woman back with me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 14, 2013 Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation."You'll be fine," he said.She asked,“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl."What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied,“Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 14, 2013 Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 My mate's accused me of being gay! I found the comment so ridiculously funny that I almost pi***d my knickers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards...... forwards then backwards......back and forth.........back and forth........ in and out.........in and out. Her heart was now pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first........ then she began to groan louder! Finally.....totally exhausted she let out an almighty scream!!! "Ok, Ok! I can't park the bloody car! You do it you smug ba**ard!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 I've just been banned from joining the mile high club. To be honest I couldn't give a flying f@ck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 16, 2013 Report Share Posted January 16, 2013 Whenever I write a letter to someone, I add a footnote briefly explaining Ohm's law. It's my P.S. de resistance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cider hoss rules Posted January 18, 2013 Report Share Posted January 18, 2013 The cows looked very unhappy in the snow this morning, I'm not surprised though, they were Friesan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!" The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!" A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She walked in to find her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked "What the **** are you doing?" The husband replied "Watching football with my son-in-law!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted January 19, 2013 Report Share Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) My boss called me into his office today. He said, "I still think you're not too bright at all Tone, but you have come early to work for the past 2 years. You deserve a reward." "Gosh, thanks boss!" I said. "What's my reward then?" "How does a brand new car sound?" he asked, smiling. I said, "Vrooom, vrooooom." Edited January 19, 2013 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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