Written jokes thread

[BigTone]

I went to a fancy dress hire shop yesterday to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter gave me an Arsenal kit. I said "Sorry love I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count"

Edited October 6, 2011 by bigtone59

[BigTone]

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood

on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time

covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded."Your name came up 7 times."

[Superjack]

I went to see Ernie Wise once.

Asked him to put me in touch with my dead Grandmother.

He couldn't do it.

Turns out he was a sidekick.

[Dolman Block B]

I went to a Fancy Dress shop yesterday to hire a vampire costume for a Halloween Party I have been invited to.

The girl behind the counter handed me a Bristol Rovers kit?

I said '' Sorry love, you mis-heard me. I said I want to look like a Count '' !!

[WhistleHappy]

D James went to a Fancy Dress shop yesterday to hire a costume for a halloween party.

The girl behind the counter handed him a Bristol Rovers kit & a cross.

He immediately dropped the kit & wasnt too sure about the cross... he was in two minds before deciding not too go for it as that could make him look like a count too.

He played safe & eventually chose a Doris Day outfit.

(sorry Dave.. only jokin.. )

[BigTone]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[II Wurzel II]

Jonathan Ross Arrested for stealing kitchen utensils from IKEA.

When released from Notting Hill police station he made this statement.

"I knew it was a whisk but its a whisk worth taking"

[BigTone]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft b****r!"

[Calculus]

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft b****r!"

Ee I don't know.

As a son of the broad acres myself this reminded me of the two Yorkshiremen who were getting nostalgic about how much better things used to be.

"...... and there were no such thing as paedophiles in our day" said the first.

"No - we 'ad to buy us own sweets" came the sorrowful reply ...

[Calculus]

.... and then the there was the sad death of an old, God-fearing Yorkshirewoman.

The family had decided on the inscription for the headstone' She Was Thine' but when they got to the burial they saw that the mason had carved 'She Was Thin'.

The poor husband called the mason afterwards and complained that he'd missed the E. The mason was very apologetic and promised to put it right.

Sure enough, when the husband visited the grave the next week he found: 'Ee, She Was Thin'.

[BigTone]

A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he can tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.'

The man was astonished and asked, 'So what do I do with these?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue, and if she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her head with the shovel.'

[WhistleHappy]

A farmer catches Paddy shagging one of his farm vehicles.

"What the **** are you doing" he shouted.

Paddy replies "I'm having trouble with the wife and the consellor told me to do something to attract her"

My next door neighbour has a green triangular house.

My other next door neighbour has a yellow rectangular house.

And my neighbour across the road has an orange octagonal house...

I live in a Quality Street.

I desperately needed a shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order, so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

.........The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker.

....Can't wait to see my new cock

In the past week, Ive had at least three different butchers put leaflets through my door advertising there latest meat deals.

...... I ******g hate spam.

I'll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate.

They'd gone together, dressed as the number ten.

..... I knew there and then, she was the one.

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."

...... My dog's full of useful information like that.

To neigh or not to neigh.

.....That is equestrian.

So Carlos Tevez plans to sue his boss Roberto Mancini.

...... If his lawyer has any sense of humour, he'll refuse to come off the bench and defend for him.

When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.

Was walking in the Tesco entrance earlier to get my weekly shopping, when I read their motto, 'Why Pay More?'

"Good point," I thought... "Asda it is then."

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

..... He had a Wigan address.

[BigTone]

Dating a blind girl is challenging but rewarding.

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual

Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,

Wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or

This is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,

I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Edited November 4, 2011 by bigtone59

[cheshire_red]

It's Postman Pat's last day posting letters in Greendale.

At the fisrt house he is given a bottle of malt whiskey as a leaving present, at the second a golf bag for his intended hobby in retirement.

At the third a buxom blonde answers the door in a negligee, she takes him by the hand leads him upstairs where he receives the best sex he's ever had, in fact thinking about it, probably the only sex he has ever had. She then takes him by the hand downstairs to the kitchen whereupon she cooks him the full monty of an english breakfast. Whilst he's tucking in he notices a £5 note poking out from under the plate.

"Why is there a £5 note under my plate"? asks Pat.

"well pat, replies the blonde, "the breakfast was my idea and last night when I mentioned it was your last day delivering the post in Greendale to my old man he said, "**** him, give him a fiver"

Edited November 8, 2011 by cheshire_red

[BigTone]

After about 100 years at the bottom of the Atlantic, Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full

[Robbored]

A lad down on his luck was wandering aimlessly along when he kicked an old can lying in the road. Immediately a genie sprung and said '' I'm still in training, which is why I live in this rusty can and I can only give you one wish instead of three.

The lad thought for a while and eventually said '' I'd like to be lucky"" ''No problem'' said the Genie and clicked his fingers and disappeared.

The lad carried on along the road and saw a tenner blowing in the breeze. He caught it and immediately he came into a town he headed into the bookies and placed the tenner on the longest odds he could find. He won hundreds and as he left he met this beautiful Indian woman in a sari. She approached him and said '' Theres something very attractive about you and I've never done this before but would you like to make love to me?

Wow! he thought and they went to her place where she started to make to love to him like only an Indian woman can. Half way through he suddenly hesitated and she asked what was wrong.

He said '' its that red spot on your forehead'' Its putting me off''.

''No problem'' she said '' just rub it off''

So he did and won a car.

[BigTone]

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for

something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

[BigTone]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[BigTone]

This brit is driving in the outback of Australia and sees a farmer giving a sheep a good sh**ing. Disgusted he continues on his way, until an hour later he sees another farmer with another sheep and is horrified that this can go on.

He eventually stops at a bar and recalls this to the barman who just tells the Pom . "thats the way it is out here".

The brit has another tinny and notices that in the corner of the bar a one legged old timer is having a wa** while looking at pictures of sheep.

He calls the barman over and tells him what he thinks about it all.

The barman says, " cor struth ya pommie ba****d. how do you expect a one legged man to catch his own sheep"

[bobbybcfc]

A man calls to his wife "Love come upstairs and have a look at my clock?"

So she enters the bedroom and see's her husband naked with an errection

She says "That's not a clock!"

He replys "It soon will be with two hands and a face on it"

[BigTone]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...

Wash, Iron, ****, Etc."

[BigTone]

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic

surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of

a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.

The new surgeon examined him, thought a while,

and said: " Yes, I can put you right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out,

he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon,

and yells:

"You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears."

"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference

whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't

understand a thing!"

[WhistleHappy]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Me and the wife went rabbiting tonight.

We were supposed to go dogging but Chas and Dave turned up.

I work as a prison warder and a lot of the inmates are trying to convince me that every night after lights out, a man with a wooden leg, a patch over one eye and a parrot on his shoulder breaks into their cells and steals cigarettes.

I'm not believing any of it, in fact I reckon its a cons piracy theory...

I feel bad for all the suckers who've bought counterfeit tickets for next year's Olympics at such ridiculous prices.

I decided to spend my hard earned cash on a Glastonbury ticket instead.

I paid a bloke to come and do some pointing for me today.

Now I've been named 'television's laziest weatherman.'

Two sluts are doing a crossword.

"Female sexual organ?"

"Down or across?"

"Across."

"Must be 'mouth' then."

[Big Stan Hibbert]

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Me and the wife went rabbiting tonight.

We were supposed to go dogging but Chas and Dave turned up.

I work as a prison warder and a lot of the inmates are trying to convince me that every night after lights out, a man with a wooden leg, a patch over one eye and a parrot on his shoulder breaks into their cells and steals cigarettes.

I'm not believing any of it, in fact I reckon its a cons piracy theory...

I feel bad for all the suckers who've bought counterfeit tickets for next year's Olympics at such ridiculous prices.

I decided to spend my hard earned cash on a Glastonbury ticket instead.

I paid a bloke to come and do some pointing for me today.

Now I've been named 'television's laziest weatherman.'

Two sluts are doing a crossword.

"Female sexual organ?"

"Down or across?"

"Across."

"Must be 'mouth' then."

Sickipedia fan then?

[BigTone]

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover last night I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English Channel ..

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.

If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police and the Home Office.

It is now 11am on Thursday, he has drowned, and still neither authority has yet responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

[WhistleHappy]

Sickipedia fan then?

erm,

nope I makes 'em all up myself....

I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia

I phoned the ticket hotline for next years Snooker World Championships , but it was busy , and I was put on holdin a cue

Edited November 24, 2011 by WhistleHappy

[WhistleHappy]

Motorway Marmite Spill ... yeast-bound carriageway clean -up easier than expected -

"Its a lot less bovril with a hoover..." says spokesman.

[BigTone]

I chatted up a Gypsy bird in the pub last night, she asked if I'd like to go back to her place for a good time. She wasn't kidding.

I went on the waltzers, the dodgems,the ghost train & even came home with a goldfish!

[BigTone]

A man has been accused of stabbing 6 people to death with knitting needles. A police spokesman has said "He seems to be following some sort of pattern"

[BigTone]

My kids were getting a caricature done today and started fighting.

I was about to intervene, but thought 'I'd better not get drawn into this'.