BigTone Posted July 16, 2013 Report Share Posted July 16, 2013 Scooters are for men who want to ride motorcycles, but prefer to feel the wind on their vagina. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CheddarReds Posted July 16, 2013 Report Share Posted July 16, 2013 More Penguin (bar) jokes: Q Why did the Penguin want to go into show buisness? A Because there is no buisness like snow buisness Q How do a group of penguins make a decision? A They Flipper coin Q What do you call a happy Penguin? A A Pen-Grin I'm so sorry.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 21, 2013 Report Share Posted July 21, 2013 Jehovah's witnesses,proof that you can't enter paradise with out a tie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 21, 2013 Report Share Posted July 21, 2013 There was a burglary at a toilet factory last night. The Police have nothing to go on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 21, 2013 Report Share Posted July 21, 2013 Man in front of the judge accused of having sex with dogs. The judge sums up "have you no shame,how low can you get? " " oh ,a dachound your honour" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 21, 2013 Report Share Posted July 21, 2013 Two unemployed irishmen searching for work pass in front of a wood yard . A sign on the wall says "tree fellers wanted.good rate of pay" "What a shame there's just the two of us" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 22, 2013 Report Share Posted July 22, 2013 I have library book that is very similar to the new royal baby. It's overdue and I will end up having to pay for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 29, 2013 Report Share Posted July 29, 2013 To help pay for the cost of raising the newest member of the Royal Family, Buckingham Palace are selling DVDs of the birth for £29.99. It is entitled: On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 29, 2013 Report Share Posted July 29, 2013 My family abandoned me, my ex girlfriend took everything I own, and my children hate me all because of my constant optimism. Still, it could be worse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 29, 2013 Report Share Posted July 29, 2013 An old pensioner is hobbling his way home through the red light district."Hey, Handsome, how about it?""You're joking," says the 90-year-old, "I just can't manage it any more.""Ah, come on," says the whore, "it'll be really nice."After a bit of humming and hawing, the pensioner goes along and when they finally get onto the whore's bed he rides her like a stallion, taking her every which way and giving giving her multiple real orgasms and wearing her out.She can't believe it when he finally comes and gives her a break."Wow, old man," says the whore, exhausted, "that was the best shag I have ever had. And to think you said you said you couldn't manage it any more?""Oh I can still do it sweetheart" says the old geezer, "it's just that I can't pay." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 30, 2013 Report Share Posted July 30, 2013 Before their inaugural parachute jump the sergeant goes once more through the routine. "Ok lads,Line up ,when the red light changes to green you jump. Count "one thousand and one ,one thousand and two ,pull the ripcord ,look up to Check your chute is open" "If your chute fails to open ,count ,one thousand and one ,one thousand and two and pull the emergency ripcord to your right" A voice pipes up "Sarge ,what If the emergency chute does n't open " " well ,lovely boy ,If the spare does n't open ,you flap your arms and shout "geronimo" When they reach the correct altitude ,the doors open and one by one they jump. "One thousand and one ,one thousand and two..." When all have jumped they close the aircraft door. Suddenly they hear a knocking ,tap, tap,tap. Surprised they reopen the door only to find squaddie flapping his arms madly "Please Sarge ,what was the name of that ficking indian ? " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 30, 2013 Report Share Posted July 30, 2013 What mammal's got a **** half way up it's back? A police horse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 30, 2013 Report Share Posted July 30, 2013 Couple fall on hard times,after much deliberation the wife décides to go on the game. The First night back she reports that she has earned 300 pounds and fifty pence. The husband a bit surprised demands "Who the flip gavé you fifty pence ? " "Oooh ,they all did " she replied Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted July 31, 2013 Report Share Posted July 31, 2013 Scientists have just discovered how new teeth can be grown from urine. Great news if you have some teeth missing and drink Fosters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted July 31, 2013 Report Share Posted July 31, 2013 Thé différence between a bad marksman and a constipated owl ; one shoots but cant hit ,the other hoots but cant shit. The différence between a short dachund and a market trader; the trader bawls his wares out on the pavement ,the other wears his balls out on the pavement Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oops Posted July 31, 2013 Report Share Posted July 31, 2013 What's blue and full of Haribo's? Kevin Webster's overalls Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lew-T Posted August 1, 2013 Report Share Posted August 1, 2013 BREAKING: Arsene Wenger has announced that Arsenal have signed the Korean midfielder Fu-Kin-No-Won. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Major Isewater Posted August 2, 2013 Report Share Posted August 2, 2013 Desert training for the squaddies about to leave for the middle east. Sargent " ok lads ,you are in the desert and out of water,you come across an abandoned vehicule,this could save your life but how? "Jones" "Well Sir ,i'd empty the water from the radiator and drink the condensation water that is pure" "Excellent reply,Parker " "Well sir,i'd strip the seats and use the material to make a protection from the sun " "Another excellent reply,well done Parker.Kelly" "Well sir,i'd take off the door" "The door ? Why ?" "Well sir,If it got hot i could wind the window down" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 2, 2013 Report Share Posted August 2, 2013 My mate from Norfolk called me last night. He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each." "Bloody hell, mate," I said. "Drinks are on you then!" He said, "I'm not selling them." "Why not?" I asked. "Well," he said, "if they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aizoon Posted August 5, 2013 Report Share Posted August 5, 2013 Did you hear about the Ashton Vale dog-walker who had a messy accident? He fell between two stools... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 9, 2013 Report Share Posted August 9, 2013 I saw Midge Ure walking down the street so I went up to him and said "Oi Vienna ! " He replied "That means nothing to me" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out.""Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 I dont know much about cycle racing, but going on past results I reckon if you want to win the Tour De France you would be well advised to wear a yellow top. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maltshoveller Posted August 20, 2013 Report Share Posted August 20, 2013 Just heard a rumour that Caburys are bringing out a brand new Oriental chocolate bar, but it might just be a Chinese Wispa 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 22, 2013 Report Share Posted August 22, 2013 Marriage is like a game of cards ...... In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond ........ ....... by the end you wish you had a club and a spade! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myol'man Posted August 23, 2013 Report Share Posted August 23, 2013 I nearly drowned in a bowl of muesli this morning. Got pulled under by a strong currant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 23, 2013 Report Share Posted August 23, 2013 I've started a dating agency for chickens.... But it's a real struggle trying to make hens meet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 25, 2013 Report Share Posted August 25, 2013 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted August 25, 2013 Report Share Posted August 25, 2013 I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin phantom Posted August 30, 2013 Admin Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Vote reveals the 50 funniest one-liners ever 1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs - Peter Kay 2. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off - Tommy Cooper 3. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin - Tommy Cooper 4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay 5. 'Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day' - John Bishop 6. We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun - Rowan Atkinson 7. I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper’s jammin’ again - Unknown Origin 8. I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them - Steve Martin 9. I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel - Rowan Atkinson 10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said: ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice - Tim Vine 11. 20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die - Bill Murray 12. Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold-in their stomachs any more - Unknown Origin 13. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative - Ricky Gervais 14. Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect - Benny Hill 15. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant - Tommy Cooper 16. I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy - Tommy Cooper 17. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can’t run - Milton Jones 18. Taylor Swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn’t wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow. - Will Ferrell 19. I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato - Will Ferrell 20. Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yeah, I thought so - Unknown Origin 21. I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20’s and I’ve only been in three fights. Not a bad average - John Bishop 22. I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it. You never know when you might need a nail - Unknown Origin 23. My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet. I just say it’s Narnia business - Will Ferrell 24. I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine - Bill Bailey Superstar: Hollywood's Steve Martin found himself in the top 10 25. Bob Geldof...no wonder he’s such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don’t Like Mondays for thirty years - Russell Brand 26. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill - Unknown Origin 27. Are there any medium rappers? They’re always big or lil - Unknown Origin 28. I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them - Emo Phillips 29. I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?' - Peter Kay 30. My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2 Brad Pitt etc...I thought ‘I’ve got the better deal here’...1 Your sister - Michael McIntyre 31. I’m a post-modern vegetarian: I eat meat - ironically - Bill Bailey 32. So I said to a Scotsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’ - Unknown Origin 33. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any - Tommy Cooper 34. Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the telly - Tim Vine 35. My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards - Sarah Millican 36. I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them - Emo Phillips 37. I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich - Unknown Origin 38. I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, ‘Have you got frog’s legs?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ so I said, ‘Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich' - Tommy Cooper 39. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic - Unknown Origin 40. I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ - I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid - Jack Whitehall 41. Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food? - Unknown Origin 42. How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener - Kevin Hart 43. If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps? - Russell Brand 44. You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks - Stewart Francis 45. A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number one, have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went...and finally, question number 10' - Lee Mack 46. You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts. Man: and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link? - Unknown Origin 47. Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well, can’t believe it actually worked - Unknown Origin 48. Dyslexic man walks into a bra - Unknown Origin 49. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever - Milton Jones 50. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister - Will Marsh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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