BigTone Posted November 5, 2012 Report Share Posted November 5, 2012 I couldn't get tickets for this year's Bulimia Awards. Apparently the place was heaving ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 A recent survey revealed that 90% of men don't know how to turn the dishwasher on. ....I find that licking her nipples and a light fingering usually does the trick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 7, 2012 Report Share Posted November 7, 2012 My wife found a load of bondage gear and S & M magazines while cleaning our sons room. "How will I deal with this" she asked "I'm no expert" I said "but I wouldn't spank him" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I didn't realise how lonely I was, until I decided my favourite sexual position was right-handed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I was pulled over earlier and almost talked my way out of a breathaliser test by telling the police woman how absolutely gorgeous she looked! I buggered it up though when I said... "and that's not just the drink talking either" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 My wife found a load of bondage gear and S & M magazines while cleaning our sons room. "How will I deal with this" she asked "I'm no expert" I said "but I wouldn't spank him" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red-Robbo Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 The landlord of my local told me he had just had to kick out the latest Bond villain. "Javier Bardem?" I said. "No, I'll allow him back in when he's sober...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 12, 2012 Report Share Posted November 12, 2012 I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said "If you lost a few kilos, cut your hair and had a shave, you'd look alright for me". I replied " If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, not you". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 19, 2012 Report Share Posted November 19, 2012 I think my wife might have photo sensitive epilepsy. She saw a photo of me shagging her sister and had a fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 27, 2012 Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 Breaking News.......Chelsea have decided to give Mark Clattenburg compensation. They asked him how much he wanted......he said just call it a monkey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 27, 2012 Report Share Posted November 27, 2012 An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father ?" he asked" Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 Inappropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 I phoned the Incontinence Hotline this morning and they asked "Can you hold?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 My mate has just been caught robbing the local bakery. He said he had no choice, he kneaded the dough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted November 28, 2012 Report Share Posted November 28, 2012 David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So, our illustrious leader asked the class an example of a 'Tragedy'. A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm Is playing In the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a Tragedy.' 'Incorrect,' said Cameron. 'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, That would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Clegg was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a Tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f-----g accident either!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fodbarmyarmy Posted November 29, 2012 Report Share Posted November 29, 2012 An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The... girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f##k her again." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 (edited) My mate Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted. Edited December 3, 2012 by BigTone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
... Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 I'm so excited. Only three more Chelsea managers till Christmas! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 3, 2012 Report Share Posted December 3, 2012 I said to my mate, "I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back." He said, "Oh, what did it say?" I replied, "Nothing, he's a dog." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 A family is driving behind a waste collection truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 I was going to tell you the 1 about the time my dog retrieved a stick from 100 miles.....but it's a bit far fetched Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG" . . . and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor. One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared. Finally somebody said "poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?" To which came the answer from someone in the back . . . "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 6, 2012 Report Share Posted December 6, 2012 My girlfriend has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 7, 2012 Report Share Posted December 7, 2012 Joe and Fred were enjoying their weekly game of golf when they came up behind 2 lady golfers who were playing very slowly. After a while Joe said 'I've had enough of this - I'm going to ask them to hurry up' He walks down the fairway but turns back about half way. Fred asks 'What's the matter' Joe - I can't go there - one is my wife and the other is my mistress. Fred says 'leave it to me' He marches down the fairway only to turn back about half way again saying to Joe ' It's a small world isn't it'!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 11, 2012 Report Share Posted December 11, 2012 Chap dials 999 to report an emergency. "whats the emergency?" the operator asks. "there are two girls fighting over me" "that's hardly an emergency, is it sir?" "Yeah, the fat one's winning" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 11, 2012 Report Share Posted December 11, 2012 The shop at the end of our street has just been robbed of their entire stock of Red Bull. How can these people sleep at night? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 14, 2012 Report Share Posted December 14, 2012 I went to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "It must be very frustrating for your wife" I said "To be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigTone Posted December 14, 2012 Report Share Posted December 14, 2012 I'm giving a special talk tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don't worry if you can't come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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